Catnip Carrot...

. I am the worst cat mom ever. She was on the bed screaming at me at 4:30 am and I was obviously asleep so I shooed her off the bed but when i woke up her catnip carrot was by my pillow. She obviously just wanted to play in the cool morning. I still feel bad.

. When he says things like I am late paying this off because I am keeping everyone afloat it is so fucking snide because I am not the narcissist being kept afloat and also you were the one that pulled the life raft out from under me in the first fucking place.

. I am not a convenience but you keep trying to treat me like one.

. I know her so well I knew what the feather meant and I am fucking happy for her I started screaming.

. Was looking around today and feeling overwhelmed with stuff but I don’t know why cause I don’t have stuff. I know myself well enough to know it means I need to deal with something else and ugh.

. I am fully Pfizered or will be in two weeks. Also I have a migraine and my arm hurts.

. Leo season and i have so much going on.

. The fern is not gonna make it. sigh.

. “How wild it was, to let it be.”

. Esther’s house

***

If you are reading this and want a safe space to practice being in your life one moment at a time then join my Wild Musings tour! !0 gorgeously crafted prompts to get you recognizing, remembering, and reclaiming. I can’t wait! xx

Moon energy...

. This is Stanley. I don’t know why Lola hates him.

. I am so weary of marketing makeover stories leading to sales pages and how those stories never include where the money to recreate your life actually comes from and wanting everyone to go on a deep dive and really - do we need to be raw all the fucking time - because it just makes people feel like they don’t measure up and not everything requires a deep dive and a need to expose yourself in a raw and real way. That’s not how we evolve and change and find our peace in this world. Yes somethings require a deeper exploration but not every single thing and why do I see it everywhere? Let’s float on our discoveries and sometimes tread water together or get out of the water entirely for a moment if you want and just lie on the beach soaking it all in. That’s how I run my stuff and it’s glorious.

. I was hanging in with someone on text who was going through something and she said are you mad at me and I said not at all and if I was i would tell you because in my relationships i believe in direct communication that is kind and honest because I am no longer willing to live a life of relationships where I am constantly decoding subtext. It is fucking exhausting and giving that up, and the people who passive aggressively do that, is my own self loyalty in action. She said oh I guess I don’t really know anything about your story. And it was such a moment for me that we are friends but she doesn’t really know anything about my story. still noodling on that.

. this moon energy has me exhausted and exhilarated at the same time.

. I think fb is hiding my wild musings tour posts like they did bewitched because i asked a few people who have me larked to see first and they said they don’t see them. I asked because the amount of engagement i get on these and the amount of people who have asked me how I do them vs the likes and comments on the sales post do not add up. its frustrating.

. I want wellness professionals to be a little kinder, less ableist, less victim blaming, less cherry picking of the real story to press pain points.

. solstice

. I brain dumped it all into an email I haven’t sent yet because even though I am sure he never considers it I think about it constantly.

. my doctors office left me a voicemail to call them to update my height and weight because I refused to do it at my last visit and I will not be returning that call.

. no one held me after my mom died. it’s been 5 years and still no one has and it still breaks my heart.

---

I am doing a ten day prompted Wild Musings course at the end of August and it is a gorgeous way to practice being in all the moments of your life one moment at a time. You can sign up HERE and there is community care pricing and a portion of proceeds going to Red Root Collective.

A few firsts...

My first Vietnamese iced coffee. An Armani coat from the thrift. Most of the day off. Sleeping in and Lola cuddles. Clouds. Snarly. Words on a page. Daydreams.

Launch day...I don't mean Bezos

. Mama moon was playing shy last night but this is still honestly the best photo of the moon I have ever taken. I wonder why she hates to be photographed. Is she up there muttering "fuckn paparazzi" when she decides to really take up space?

. The prompt this week in Bewitched is on wild altars and there is a paragraph that literally gave me goosebumps when I wrote it. I have so missed that feeling of knowing that my fingers are hitting keys forming words that make me feel that way. It's been a minute.

. then yesterday I did the sales page for the daily musings tour and I felt the same way. Sales pages are my kryptonite but I love this one and there was so much ease.

. I got a BRAND NEW fridge today because mine has been making my veggies sweaty and in my entire life living on my own since 18 I have never had a place with a brand new fridge. Ever.

. the guy that delivered the fridge said his neighbour is a life coach working with companies on teamwork etc and suggested - without knowing a thing about what *I* do - that it might be a good avenue for me. I said (among other things) does he go in and rob them of their lunch hours and feed them mediocre pizza so that the owners can suck more life from their probably underpaid asses to make more money? This guy was standing around while the worker guy was leveling the fridge and the worker guy almost choked laughing. This guy didn't find it funny but..oh well. *shrugs*

. lost my phone for 3 hours yesterday cause it fell in my small donation bag i gave to the thrift and find my iphone was telling me it was at vv and I thought it was by the checkout and had a full on panic attack and started to cry but then realized it might be in the donation bag and the whole things gave me a migraine which is why I didn't launch yesterday as promised.

. But I did find a vintage chenille all white summer bedspread so I have that going for me.

. I have been watching old episodes of kitchen nightmares and would 10/10 hate fuck Gordon Ramsey. Still.

. grapefruit Perrier is my elixir of choice these days. I am so bougie lol.

. I love my hair.

6am...

. I have been up since 5:30am because someone with a tiny skeleton was dancing on me but before doing the can-can in her floofy pantaloons on my bladder she chose violence of a different kind. Poor Stanley. Last time I saw 5:30 am I was still awake from the night before and I don't party anymore so it's been a minute. I laid there for another half an hour watching the sky change and I am not going to lie…it was gorgeous. But I WON’T be making this a habit and I hope Ms. Lola Esmeralda Floof doesn’t either.

. all my east coast loves are up so I sent good morning texts lol.

. a local diner has a Sunday night steak special for 12.99 and I went and had it yesterday for the first time since the pandemic. Steak, mashed with gravy, broccoli and carrots. My dad would have LOVED it. He loved diners as much as I do. I will choose a diner over a fancy restaurant any time.

. I got shipping confirmation for the few dresses I ordered and they are all black. I want to look sexy, mysterious and slightly threatening but I will vehemently deny knowing anything about the whereabouts and/or disappearance of my ex lovers.

. Everyone can wear white to their wedding if they want.

. I saw this thing on tiktok and the question was "what were you bullied for that is trendy now" and so many said "being a slut". Because back in the day having a hot girl summer was an easy target for people to bully and hate on you. I am loving that in a few ways that narrative has shifted a bit.

. I might wander to the thrift today. I am building a babs and kris star is born box for someone and am looking for a few key pieces.

. tiny cauldrons

. something cool is coming out this week.

13 inches...

. Cutting my hair was a response to a comment from someone who has internalized fatphobia. I thought maybe i was hiding behind it because I am disconnected from myself from my collarbone to my thighs for various medical reasons and with that much hair that is all I see in that area so I cut it.

. And also because I choose me and freedom. That hair held the last breaths of my mother and Nigel, Len, and Stevie. It held the last time I was held by a man. It held two major surgeries and a pandemic where the world shut down and all I do lately is let go. Everything I let go of has claw marks on it and the last "cut" I had was half an inch. So a big change was necessary and my bestie did it while we watched friends re-runs. It is so soft and healthy now.

. I bought a few new things to wear because I am trying to connect back to my body but basically I am curating a wardrobe that is perfect for when I am interviewed by a reporter about the mysterious disappearances of my former lovers.

. "Everything caves under the weight of greed." I heard that somewhere and did not write down where but it is going around and around in my head.

. I questioned doing a year long tour during a pandemic but I trusted my gut and did it and I am getting all these secret messages from it and my bush kittens keep writing me to say how it changed them and I am so glad I went ahead with it. the 2.0 version is in the works.

. I am cat sitting and went over to give them breakfast and they are twin oranges who are in their teen years and they both slowly and sleepily climbed up from the basement like they had been playing video games all night cause their parents are away. It was hilarious.

. My fern might not recover.

. I know I am in a flux period because my screen time was up 24% last week according to my phone and I have been tiktoking my self to sleep every night. Being done with the purge and my redecoration has left me with way more room for other things. Which was the point of it. My apartment is easy to keep tidy and easy to clean. Laundry is easy to put away. There is so much space. Now what?

. I take my aunt vibe seriously and will be the one who snatches you and says CHOOSE YOU but I will do it wearing fabulous clothes and with much love and some comedy.

. question your gurus if you need clarification.

. the friend that ended our friendship on that before and after photos thread sent me a friend request a few weeks ago. I accepted it but then noticed she had me on a filter so I messaged her and asked why. she said that she saw my acceptance of her friend request but didn't know how cause she didn't send me one. I said you must have sent me a request or I wouldn't have anything to accept. she said that was a mistake and she didn't send me one and unfriended me. Which means she was scrolling my wall and accidentally hit the friend request button and didn't realize. So just say that! anyway I blocked her so it won't happen again. I am no longer allowing myself to keep breaking my own heart.

Spaghetti float....

I want to only wear one piece of clothing until mid September, no bra, no underwear, no socks, with flip flops or my pillow slides and that one thing will be flowing dresses and caftans. And bathing suits. I want a gorgeous tan. I want fresh wildflowers and sweet peas and lush colourful roses in vintage vases all over. I want to sleep with the windows and drapes open naked like a starfish under mama moon. I want to skinny dip in a clear cool creek in the forest with the bear cubs. I want to lay under the hot night sky, after watching a long pink sunset, and look for falling stars. I want more freckles. I want to park sit and people watch and make up imaginary back stories for everyone we see. I want popsicles and hot dogs cooked over a camp fire and s'mores and baileys in my coffee every morning. I want to get up early and stay up late. I want to want what I want and do whatever the fuck I want all day and all night. I want to frolic with the wolves. I want to eat spaghetti from a float in the middle of a lake with all of you.

The heat broke....

There is a finally a cool breeze. My little Floof slept on the balcony last night and is very talkative and prancy and pleased with herself this morning.

I read that people were buying up all the air conditioners and fans and then selling them on MP and Craigslist at a huge markup and the greed never ceases to surprise me. People, and animals, died in this heat. A 15 dollar fan that could make a world of difference should not be 100 dollars. It's pure fucking evil.

Doing my purge was the BEST THING EVER because now that it is a few degrees cooler I finally dug my place out of hellpocalypse. Swept, emptied dishwasher and refilled it, scrubbed sink, cleaned counters, wiped all the freezie stains off the coffee table, gathered up all the wet towels and clothes and stripped my bed, plumped up cushions and kinda de-furred the couch and it took about 1/2 an hour. And i have done NOTHING for days. The ease of this place now is worth every agonizing claw mark moment of should I keep this and do I need it. I don't and I didn't. (for everyone asking the PURGE tour is still in the works. xx)

Carly is cutting my hair today after we wander VV and have breakfast. And then I might die it pink this summer. I need a drastic change.

My plants did not like this extreme heat. Except one. lol

I love you all. Don't forget to drink some water.

Extreme Heat...

. I was proactive and ordered a mini air conditioner and new flip flops WEEKS ago. Neither have arrived. However, my instant pot came yesterday so maybe I'll make a nice pot of warm soup. *eyeroll*

. Lola is on the tile in the bathroom and I have cold wet mats down in there to cool her down and keep the tile cool. She is not a happy girl. There was a wee panting incident yesterday but we wiped her down with a cold cloth and she started to breath normal again.

. I guess this is training for when I go to hell.

. I desperately need a haircut. So much I might cut it myself

. I hate drunk energy. I saw someone on the weekend who was drunk and it was so fucking annoying to me.

. I am so glad I cleared out this apartment. Best thing I ever did was let go. The space and ease of being here is so worth it.

. All I have done all weekend is lay on my couch under a fan with a wet cloth on me so I don't have much to report lol.

Expansion...

1. I rearranged my studio space because I felt closed in by the stove and I didn't like having my basic white cupboards behind me. I feel way more expansive now and what is above me is my talisman shelves and wild altars. All my pink skies are beside me and of course because this is my life, the litter box is next to my desk. ahahahha. She lives here too.

2. There is some weird ass moon energy today and I am uneasy. I can't believe July is almost here and i feel that Sigourney has robbed me of some precious prep time to make a living for fall. Kinda freaking out a bit but I am on it and not jumping on my idea notebook. Going to wait til this moon energy lifts a bit so doing mundane task instead. Washing floors, changed my sheets, cleaned my bathroom, cuddled Lola, emptied the dishwasher. Giving myself grace and tenderness today.

3. MY PURGE IS COMPLETE. I have a few things to mail and a small ikea bag of stuff for our east van witches yard sale this weekend but it's done. I went to the thrift yesterday cause its air conditioned and I had been writing all day and needed to walk around and I am done my redecoration. I didn't want everything. I did find some small bowls for her and a new pottery holder for my utensils and a spoon rest cause I broke mine but I spent nothing and they all added a bit more of a 70's vibe. It was a nice feeling to know it's done and I love my place and what I have and the space. it's so worth every agonizing and hilarious moment of getting to know myself all over again.

4. Carly put Stanley on a wee plant stand and Lola has not found him yet so he is not currently being tortured by her.

5. We are talking love languages in Bewitched and mine are space, ease, simplicity, consistency, wild enchantment and devotion. It is also back stories and organization and witch aesthetic and wildflowers and stardust and rock and roll and the 70's and rest and doing nothing with someone and coffee table books and animals and old school paperbacks and supporting small biz and unlimited hours of tv and 3 hour baths and so much more.

6. I have a bunch of blood work and tests coming up that i am dreading but I would like to know what is wrong with me so I'll do them. I fought hard enough for them.

7. Did not renew my last hoarded domain name. I only have one now. My own. So it's just me and all the versions of me. I had anxiety to the expiration countdown and it was yesterday. Whew.

8. I think I am living the good life that comes after.

9. I am allowing for a nap this afternoon because I didn't sleep well last night and the night before I passed out on the couch in a weird position.

10. I just asked my magic 8 ball if it will all work out and it said "it is decidedly so". So I got that going for me.

Dandelions....

~ One of my fave things is random stuff encased in acrylic. I pin it and I save them on Etsy and if I could I would have a wee cabinet of random stuff encased in acrylic. Mostly vintage ones cause that is my jam but I must really like it because my FYP in TikTok sends me process creation vids of people making acrylic earrings and paperweights and keychains and I am fascinated every time. I found this vintage dandelion for 50 cents at my annual neighbourhood wide yard sales a few years ago and it sits on my desk to remind me that things change and we are not weeds and is one of my sources of practical magic. It is one of my most treasured items and I want to know how they did it. How did they get that dandelion in there without damaging it? It’s like the Caramilk secret. I will never know I guess.

~ Wolf pups are born blind and deaf. That random fact just popped into my brain for NO reason so I googled it lol.

~ That Guy and I used to talk about Lola as people who live with pets of personality do. I guess it’s an animal love thing but I miss having someone to talk about all her little moods and meows and shenanigans with so I have been reporting them all to Carly who very lovingly has NOT told me to stop talking about my cat.

~ I opened the window wider in my bedroom yesterday and there were two dead flies on the windowsill and I immediately thought of the Amityville Horror. Did you see that movie? It freaked me out so much I will never forget it.

~ According to my doctor I am supposed to limit my bending/twisting and do no lifting for a month because the hernia was the size of a grapefruit so the incision was huge and there are 3 sets of stitches in my belly and the place where it was it all filled up with fluid which my body will eventually absorb but can cause pressure on the incisions. It is virtually impossible to not bend or lift when you live alone. Carly has been coming by each morning to get Lola her pills and at night I have been stalking my floof til she is asleep and then grabbing her and giving her the pills (she HATES it) but how do you carry groceries up or bend down to change the garbage or empty the dustpan or clean the bathtub or put groceries into the crisper drawer or empty or load the dishwasher or put on shoes or get into a car? I mean I am complying as much as Ican only because I do NOT want to go through this again but it’s not easy. hmph.

~ Loved this question from Anthony Bourdain - “If your phone rang at 11 p.m., would you want it to be that person on the other end?” because I have been randomly thinking about all the friendships that have ended this year, last year, the past 5 years and 10 years and also who I will ALWAYS pick up the phone for. I saw one of the ended ones comment on a friends status the other day and my first thought was “oh there she is making it all about her” . The comment was in regards to thanking nurses during covid and she is a nurse but she is not a hospital nurse and has not been front line for a VERY long time so the status wasn’t ABOUT her and this was constant. She was like that Kristen Wiig character from SNL who always one upped everyone. I don’t miss it. One of them i realized I did miss so I reached out but have no response which is ok. It was a super complicated ending and it was layered and maybe one day we will be friends again and maybe not but for all of them I wish them well.

~ Another one sent me a friend request which I accepted then realized she had me on a filter that showed nothing so why request me? I asked her about and she said she didn’t realize she sent it and it was a mistake. Ummm so you were on m wall and accidentally hit add friend? She unfriended me and removed the option to ever friend again which I thought was funny.

~ Adult friendships CAN be so complicated. Even more so for someone like me because my friends are the greatest loves of my life. The one true romantic love I had killed himself and the other one I was always waiting for him to live up to his potential and I doubt I will ever find that again but my friends…it’s them that hold my heart forever so endings are brutal even when they are necessary.

~ I am never living into a man’s potential again.

~ Patience has never been my virtue.

There is this...

1. It is lilac season and if I had a lilac tree I would leave a note on it saying "help yourself to a bouquet but please leave enough for others" because lilacs should be shared and we don't all have our own tree.

2. I will take my small but important business without a marketing plan, or posting nudes, or a social media manager and I will keep creating things that ask people to be in their lives and seek out happiness and change and enchantment in a way that celebrates who we are at our most natural selves and I will invite in enough people that get me and are invested in me - invested having many nuances - in a way that I can meet myself and my love languages fully. I do want enough people for the IG swipe up feature but I want that lowered to 2000 because I want engagement and communion.

3. I am friends with an amazing Indigenous woman on FB and she made a post the other day about her spiritual practice that went right through me and landed in places that needed filling. With her permission I am sharing a piece -

"How I walk, the medicines I use, when (and even how) I pray - more wandering thought than structured ritual. Gently is how we greet the earth, gratitude how we harvest. The moon hears me both dark and light. My relationship with the water not cleansing baptism, but stirring depths. I am my grandmother's daughter and she was the ancient disguised as propriety, building bridges, braiding responsibility between the kept, and the lost and the necessary until one is unreachable without the other.

No altars. No tools.

Speak into being, be careful, be kind.

Know who you are. Know who you come from.

Know you are never alone."

and it was the reassurance I didn't even know I needed. I do a prompt called Wild Altars Everywhere on tour and it is confusing to some because we all have an image, an idea, of how our spiritual practices and corresponding spaces SHOULD look and then we wonder if we are getting it right. And there has been something in me for a long time seeking permission so I have made some changes. M wild altars are my text messages with friends and my kimono collection. They are the rosaries hanging everywhere and my chaotic plant vignettes. I have given MYSELF permission and removed all apps like the pattern and co star and anything that had me looking for a sign. Except my moon app cause those mesages are hilarious. "No altar. No tools." Just me trusting in my decisions and my gut and loving what I love and that does include tarot cards but i use them for secret messages and not readings and it has really freed me up. If an account pops up on my feed that I followed that is spiritual advice I unfollow because I want to see where this goes and what I know. The only thing I am sticking with is astrology because it is a new found fascination but not in a way to tell me who I am. I know who I am.

4. I didn't say you can't sit with me. I said I am sitting over there and you didn't want to come. This is the summary of most of my friendship endings that last few years.

5. The biggest thing I learned this year while doing my own purge after That Guy left and researching for a possible tour is that people build a wall of stuff - literal stuff - to protect themselves and hide behind - in grief, as a result of poverty trauma, because spending is how they manage depression or anxiety or feel worthy - and when they need to see the light again it's whelming because they don't know what is important out of all of it. It's true for me and my spaces and that constant question of "how did I get here?" as I was purging. I won't go back and I am so grateful for the work i put into that

6. I want to sell vintage again but the above has me a little freaked out. I don't have the space for a store. I don't want the clutter of inventory and shipping supplies etc. But I do miss it because I have a knack for finding the BEST stuff - its a superpower - and I can't keep it all. Ultimately I want to get to the point where I see it and acknowledge it and leave it for someone else. But that's not exactly easy to do every time and I wish I could afford to just send tons of random prezzies out all the time and the going back and forth on this is getting exhausting. I need to just make a decision if its a yes or no.

7. I was chatting with a friend today and we were celebrating something big that happened for her and I said "it's amazing how focused you can be when you remove men from your life" and isn't that the truth! It wasn't until I typed it to her that I realized it was true for me. Since That Guy is out of my life and home and I chose celibacy and no pandemic dating and ultimately chose ME it's shifted everything from my bank account to my anxiety to how I care for myself cause it's just me. No one is seeing me naked, no one has expectations - physically or otherwise - of me that I feel I fail at because I am how I am. There is more here but it was a moment I wanted to acknowledge.

8. I am still having a hard time healing. I hate it when my house is a disaster but I am letting it go.

9. I have plans. Things on the calendar this year and next - work and personal - that I am REALLY looking forward to and in the last 5 and especially 2020 I realize how much I missed that feeling and I am glad I did what I did and put off what I did. Other than my Sigourney healing and upcoming dental work I might be content and I am just gonna sit and bask in that for a while.

10. It is snowing pink petals all over my hood and I can’t get enough of it.

Musings are a response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (again).

day 30 of Effy’s blog along)

Eliminating....

1. Diet culture. The fact that it is so common to discuss and comment on weight is not ok. Ijeoma Oluo made a post years ago about how even commenting or liking posts on intentional weight loss played into diet culture and she made a pact to stop and invited people to stop with her and I took that on and it was one of the best things i did for my own un-programming of the life long fuckery diet culture and a mother who was INVESTED in it has lived in me and also my own integrity. It is spring so diets and fasting and the covid 40 are ALL OVER my feeds especially the wellness people and there is a disconnect there I can't get past because the very women they claim to empower are reading that shit. I am not against intentional weight loss because I think we know ourselves better than other people do so we know what we need from ourselves but the mixed messaging will fuck people up and isn't in time in this year of Lola 2021 that folks talk about something else? Every seemingly innocent comment or post has a far reaching effect and it needs to stop.

2. Body positivity. I think white women have co-opted this in a way that isn't helpful and dismisses the people who it was designed for in the first place and I also think that there is something to loving the vessels that house us. I don't love everything about my body but I also don't hate my body and that's ok. I can feel super sexy and still wish I didn't have my mothers knees. I can be in love with my aging and still miss my strong jaw. I am actually pretty grateful for this body I have but it's not all positive. It just is and that's ok.

3. The narrative around no one will love you until you love yourself. I find this very damaging. The people who love me love me when I am at my worst and they snatch me and ask questions before I do myself or anyone serious harm. And the things that people say about us to hurt us with intention are the things we take on and start to hate but I know from my own experience and how I love others that those so called hateful things are the very things I love most. We are not meant to do it alone and I will allow people to love me ESPECIALLY when i don't love myself.

4. The makeover story that leads to a marketing pitch that always begins with "this is a very vulnerable post for me". We do not need to prove how we bled for and suffered and sacrificed in order to make what we create sellable and how about you don't manipulate me with that opening statement. I believe our stories are an integral part of how we become but so much is left out of that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps discussion that makes people who do not achieve the same results wonder what they have done wrong. Maybe these people aren't making it because you left out how you are 100% financially supported by your parents or how it was sex work that kept a roof over your families head or because you are white and thin or because your husband was a fireman or because rents are sky high in your city and the same "chances" are not possible. Let's find another way to invite people to our stuff that tells the whole story and ALSO understand it's ok to say this is my life and it in complex and I contain multitudes and sometimes evolution back to ourselves and into the now is not always a 24/7 painful and debilitating deep dive but can also be more like floating peacefully on your back and occasionally treading water while you figure shit out and there can be as much laughter as there are tears and for those painful deep dive instructors are you REALLY qualified to handle deep trauma and abuse just because you changed your own life and moved out of shitty circumstances? I have weathered some serious shit and I am somewhat trauma informed but in no way am I qualified to TREAT it.

5. Internet fights. In my peri meno rage phase and the Trump era and all the police brutality and covid and ableism I got in so many fights with people who had ZERO interest in unpacking their misogyny, white privilege, white supremacist delusion (nod to Sonya Renee Taylor for that term), anti vax, covid denying, blue lives all lives not all men rhetoric and these people were TROLLS. They lived to start these arguments and I played into that way more than I should have and it for sure had an effect on me. I will speak to what changed me that I have learned and believe and unpacked myself in case it helps other people because people doing that helped me learn but I won't respond to trolls who are there to ONLY devils advocate and I will always show up and come for people when you ask me to log in and fight for you like I did with the Rachaels and if someone in community with me responds directly TO me and needs snatching like Rhian did because harm is being done and on that I have been and will be snatched myself and it's always for the greater good but random fights with trolls? Nope. Block and delete. They don't get my energy or attention.

6. Being strong and resilient when what I really need is to be soft and needy. Like with my sigourney bandages. I went to the wound care nurse and got the love and reassurance I needed. I talked to my doctor who said stop this is MAJOR surgery and it has an actual recovery time that will be longer for you based on your grapefruit sized hernia so why I am trying to write while on painkillers that make me a zombie or sit up when laying down doesn't cause the same pain or "get back to reality" when my reality is I just had major fucking surgery? This is something I am going to be exploring more but I intend to leave it behind because I encourage new born kitten softness, fragility and neediness in my loved ones and tour kittens and clients so why the fuck would i deny myself the same? I am voice recording this into my phone from my bed cloud propped up on 47 pillows and it is fucking GLORIOUS and also ok right now in this moment because not sitting at my computer is what i NEED. god this is such a tough one for me but i am gonna figure it out so please snatch me if I am doing too much too soon.

7. Ignoring red flags and being pleasing to men. For those that know me this may seem odd but dating is one of the areas where I am not sure of myself at all. I can pull acres of comedic material from the dating process and I think that alone has saved me but there is still a ton of "how a woman should be" garbage that seems to fly front and centre in this dynamic of potential romantic partnership that doesn't really show up anywhere else in my life in such a damaging and profound way and I am still learning to trust myself in that area in so many ways. Also the majority of my experience has been with cis het white men who I am sadly STILL attracted to even though I basically live on lesbian tiktok and these men are a fucking problem all the way around. Writing this I think it might be an interesting sociological experiment to go online and see how I feel because it's been about 4 years and I have changed so much in that time and maybe I know more about myself than I am allowing for. hmmmm.I know it would be even funnier cause I have my sense of humour back but how would I FEEL. I might do it.

8. Right now I need to state somewhere I have to leave behind my love of dairy and lunch meats/sausages and how upset that makes me. Apparently I have developed an allergy to them or the nitrates don't mesh with my menopause but either way both affect my breathing and inflame my joints and ankles and fingers and wrists to a really painful place but oh my god I eat like I am an at a cocktail party and it's my very fave way of being and I am LOST. I also hate denying myself ANYTHING but it literally causes me pain right now. In remembrance of melted cheese and ham on great fresh bread with fresh tomatoes and coarse salt and pepper! Yogurt with fresh berries and raisin granola! All the pizzas all the time. Spicy sausage in a rose cream sauce with fresh pasta! Brie and fig and turkey sandwiches! CHARCUTERIE! I will think of you all fondly. You will never be forgotten. And hopefully one day I will come back to you. Just remember it's not you. It's me. I love you forever.

9. Balance. No. It's a lie. Doesn't exist with my brain and my love of obsession and rabbit holes and being both a morning person which is new but also a lifetime night owl. Balance can bite me. I spent years looking for it thanks to the wellness community I was becoming a part of and letting it go was sweet glorious freedom.

10. Relevance. I am still sorting this one out and it's very complex but i wanted to place it somewhere.

Musings are a response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (again) - I highly recommend you take them when offered. x

(Day 29 of Effy’s blog along)

I am waiting for...

1. Season 4 of Yellowstone because I am channeling Beth Dutton as a muse and I NEED to know what is next in that series.

2. I love the poem in this prompt. The THIS. I live so much in the THIS of my life and realizing that today in a really deep way makes me really happy.

The Gate
By Marie Howe

I had no idea that the gate I would step through
to finally enter this world

would be the space my brother's body made. He was
a little taller than me: a young man

but grown, himself by then,
done at twenty-eight, having folded every sheet,

rinsed every glass he would ever rinse under the cold
and running water.

This is what you have been waiting for, he used to say to me.
And I'd say, What?

And he'd say, This—holding up my cheese and mustard sandwich.
And I'd say, What?

And he'd say, This, sort of looking around.

3. I found a new to me Johanna Lindsey paperback at the thrift and I was surprised because I thought I had read everyone she ever wrote and I am waiting until Sigourney's scar is healed enough to sink into the bathtub and read it for hours.

4. I am taking all the colours from a peacock feather and applying them to feature walls in my apartment and that sharp clear green is next. Maybe behind my bed or one wall in my studio. Excited to go to the paint store with my feather and find it.

5. I miss holding hands with someone. That Guy and I held hands all the time. I have actually never had a BF that wasn't a hand holder and I won't. It's a non negotiable for me and I do not give a fuck at how difficult that makes me sound.

6. How my ankles look has become the litmus test of what my body needs more and less of and it's only since peri meno and it's fascinating to me.

7. I posted a while ago asking why no one knits all black afghans and how this could be a thing for people like me and my neighbour and friend across the street is knitting me one and she texted the other day and said iti is half done! Took her awhile to find the yarn because I can't have angora, wool, alpaca, mohair, or certain types of cashmere lol.

8. We had that week that felt like summer and then the rain came back so I am waiting for the sun. I feel like I am ALWAYS waiting for the sun and the heat. It's my deepest longing I think.

9. I really love how much space I have. There is something so freeing about no clutter of any kind and it's not minimalism because I love layers and I think minimalism is one of those things that is celebrated if you are rich and mocked if you are poor much like van life or RV life is but this is space from the purge of what doesn't meet me where I am right now. Purge of actual stuff and digital stuff and relationships and expectations of me. I get to just be in this space and I created it and it feels so good.

10. My to do list that I have to make for my brain to function that I write on the inside cover of my planner has only a few things left on it and when I began my re-entry from debilitating grief and pain and surgeries that list was so whelming. It was a list that went above my normal work and living. But now it's finish taxes and finish dental work and ship the packages and find a good accounting/budgeting app and source a new vaccuum that lola nd I won't kill with our fur and this is all nothing compared to that list of previous years and actually seems doable. Crossing Sigourney off it was a MOMENT because that bitch has been carried over on a few planners.

Musings are from Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (Again).

(day 28 of Effy’s Blog along)

Attention...

1. My loves and I notice the tiniest details in images of style and decor and we send them back and forth and it's so funny how we all usually pick the same one seemingly insignificant detail - like Lizzo and her tiny purse ( SO significant to the overall feel) - that makes or breaks the "look" but we are detail people and we know that no detail is insignificant and then we break down the entire look and convey our own opinions and send more images back and forth like it should be more like this or this is perfection and that corner needs this like we are forensic experts performing an autopsy to find clues and I love the attention we pay to such things. Not in a bad way more in a "we are in love with our own taste" way. It's a hobby.

2. Sometimes Lola sleeps next to me and puts her back leg over my arm. It was something Len did and I wonder if she is channeling him and no matter how much I want to move my arm I won't because I love the slight weight and the feel of her fur and it's rare so when it happens it feels like the most extra special kind of attention from her.

3. When people send me memes or tiktoks or tag me in articles it feels like I am loved and that just being me in the way I obsess out loud over what I love is ok. I don't care if I am tagged 47 times in the same thing because each time it's like a little love letter from someone.

4. I am a virgo and I swim in details. It's my most favorite place to be and it's not a perfectionist thing as in it's never good enough but more like a bone knowing thing like my new blue walls. I gathered all the blues samples that seemed to be in the right family of blues and we took them to the garden centre and held them up to the light and I knew in a millisecond which one was THE ONE. This knowing is reflected in my work and my wardrobe and my home and it feels like the most delicious devotion to pay attention and trust and then add and remove and change things that I am probably the only one it matters to but it invites and evokes an over all feeling I can't get enough of and with my new constant companion of anxiety the ability to make these snap decisions and TRUST them is sorely needed for my self esteem right now and I always tell my kittens to find one thing you are sure of and do more of that because that is gorgeous self loyalty.

5. Attention with feeling is directly related to where my shoulders sit in regards to where my ears are and how warm my ears are getting. If they are level with my ears or my ears are hot I should probably leave or log out or say it clearly before I aim for the throat because shit is about to go down and sometimes it needs to because my rage is holy as are my feelings so the ears and shoulders is always a sign that I am not where i want to be and something is happening that I need to address.

6. It's early as I write this and the coffee maker just gave it's final gurgle that signals it's ready and I am like Pavlov's dog with that sound.

7. Today is the day I am supposed to remove the bandages from Sigourney and I am anxiously awaiting 9 am to call the clinic and have it done by the wound care nurse because fuck being strong and resilient. I am terrified. When I had my breast reduction the written instructions said remove the bandages using a mirror to see the sides and under boob and wash the areas and the only hand mirror I had was a 17x magnifying one and that prick of a surgeon did not prepare me for what I was about to see MAGNIFIED 17 TIMES and even with a regular mirror I would not have been ready and i had a complete breakdown in the shower and That Guy had to come in and clean the sutures and rescue me from there because I started crying so hard he ran from the living room and banged on the door and now I can't take bandages off by myself so the attention I will give myself today is to have someone else do it and reassure me everything is healing as it should. (edit - I have an appt at 230 today)

8. I didn't get to see the pink moon but I felt it. I hate it when it is cloudy because my windows face south and I like to lie in bed and watch her while i talk to her but I know mama moon is working her magic behind the clouds but I miss that face to face attention.

9. I will give my plant babies attention later today. They have been completely ignored this past week as I spent so much of it in bed and I am sitting here looking at them and I can feel their judgement of my neglect. It's cloudy AGAIN so i don't have to worry about watering them in the heat of the day. I'll putter as my aunt used to say when she tended her plants.

10. So much life stuff needs my attention today. Her medication needs renewing and I have to go pick that up and laundry is piling up but I have no loonies so I need to go to the bank and the dishwasher needs emptying from last weekend but bending down hurts and I have packages to mail and I have no groceries and I did not sweep yesterday and most importantly the Full Bush Tour and BEWITCHED need my attention and this is the stuff of living alone and working solo that feels whelming right now in a way that it usually doesn't. Was my surgery only a week ago? Fuck things pile up fast when I CANNOT give my work and home the devotion that makes it run smooth with my love languages of space, ease, and simplicity fully intact. I have a system that works for me that has no shoulds or supposed to's attached but honours myself and how I like things to be (those details again) and is directly in line with my love languages and my independence and I love living alone and have created an easily run sanctuary for myself here and in my work that reflects my health challenges and the rest I require and my friends have been helping but they have lives and real life needs to start again at some point and the dishes and laundry can wait obviously but it will just take longer the longer it waits but things like getting her pills can't and my work can't and the plants can't and I do need some food which maybe I will treat myself and spend the recovery tax and have THAT part delivered. It feels like a lot in a life that usually feels like ease.

Todays musings are in response to the question “what is the quality of your own attention” from Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary.

(Day 27 of Effy’s blog along)

Today I Will...

1. I will vignette today. I have 3 floating shelves in the space I have claimed as my studio and I have a few new things I want to add like a vintage tiger ashtray which will hold my crystals that I forgot to put out for mama moon last night. It takes time for spaces to tell me how they want to be styled.

2. I will attempt to sweep today if it feels right. Fern leaves and incense ash and cat fur and lane dust that sneaks in because her majesty must always have the door open but I am told not to use my ab muscles, assuming there are muscles there, and apparently our abdomens are used to do EVERYTHING.

3. I will purchase today because i am tempted to get myself something new and amazing to arrive in the mail and I my fave ever slip dress from Shein is worn so much I need a backup and I feel there might be a 4 dollar pair of earrings to come with it and maybe something else that is small and inexpensive. Also this is a sign of my dissatisfaction with my healing process.

4. I will coffee all day like I do every day.

5. I will pine. Because I cannot pick her up yet and hold her floofy little body on my chest with our hearts together and cuddle her while she purrs.

6. I will create practical magic and real life enchantment for BEWITCHED and I will wear a fabulous Endora robe with my unwashed hair while doing it.

7. I will (hopefully) write a gorgeous and engaging prompt on muses for the Bush kittens because we are in the style portion of the spring session and i have them pinning inspo and creating mood boards and in a few weeks we will analyze it all like private detectives and pull out the feelings and then relate that to style and adornment.

8. I will delete a few people who are testing me with their hustle and go big or go home and Gary V type of empowerment but make it pretty and girl bossy and attach a bleeding story of how it USED to be for them because I find it completely unempowering and massively annoying which I assume is the exact opposite of how they want me to feel so I must free us both of that energy.

9. I will go stand in my tiny closet and visit my clothes that i have not been able to wear and whisper soon my pretties soon to them and touch them lovingly and remind myself that I have mad style because I have been in the same tank dress for 5 days.

10. I will rest. Because i just had major surgery and I need to remember that it was major surgery and I will curse that anesthesiologist and wish I had the real magic to hex him but I don't, I only have practical magic so may his fitted sheets forever flip off the corners of his bed and may his ice cube trays forever be empty and may he never get a full erection again and may his socks always slide under his heel and may he somehow end up on a no fly list and may he never find a parking space and may he always be in the slow checkout lane and may he be rejected by a woman he really likes because he DOESN'T FUCKING LISTEN TO WOMEN WHEN THEY TELL HIM THINGS. May it be so.

Musings are in response to Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary and the question “what will you do today?”

(day 26 of Effy’s blog along)

Memories....

Day 7
1. I remember him sitting in the leather chair. Wearing shorts in winter by the fire with his feet up in the ottoman and Hobbes stretched out in his lap like a furry Main Coon blanket and how obsessed I alway was with his strong legs and looking at his face when he wasn't paying attention because of how fixated he was with the football game on tv. Living together in the house we made a home in a brand new city and that fall where we didn't know anyone and it was only each other.

 
2. His skinny little body as I tried treatment that didn't work and how his black fur used to almost disappear in the long white wool of the Icelandic rug that he loved so much.

3. Her hand I held all day for those weeks and I looked at that hand so much and we had the same short pinkie fingers.

4. He called the day before he died and he was as lucid as he had been for awhile and he sounded like him and if you know how dementia breaks down language you will understand that and he said I love you and I always have and called me by my nickname and asked about the cats and said all the things he hadn't said in such a long time and he spoke to That Guy and said take care of her (he didn't) and when I hung up I told That Guy he will be gone in the next day or so because there was something other than him driving that call and that memory and that voice and I told my mom and Mike be available and be close cause the call is coming and they scoffed but listened and he was gone less than 24 hours later and I am so glad I got to hear his voice like that again like the voice of the dad I grew up with and not the tired and confused man that he somehow became and whatever it was that drove that phone call and that switch back I am forever grateful.

5. We didn't need the cage because we had an agreement that he would tell me when it was time and he did and we picked him up and he just laid his head on That Guy's shoulder and I drove and we walked right in and laid him down and I took his little face in my hands and he looked right at me and I swear he nodded and I covered him with my hair and whispered in his ear how much I loved him while the vet did what he had to do and it was so quiet but that wee nod and that look in his eyes that said I promised you mom and it's time. I will never forget that.

6. That hospice nurse and the look on her face when I was laying in bed with her at the end and she touched me on the back and I looked back and it was a scream hiss and said don't fucking touch me and she had the gall to look offended and I will never forget that pissy look on her face and after I wanted to say that touch requires consent and touch brings people out of the moment and what you see as kind I see as an invasion that startled me and interrupted me breathing into her last so fuck off with your offended wounded pissy face and lay out some parameters before hand.

7. Alzheimer's is torture for the living and I visited all the time and knew immediately the week she forgot me completely because i saw this kind look in her eyes that she used to give strangers because she was unfailingly polite to everybody and that visit I became one of those everybody's and it broke me because i was named for her and she was everything to me and then she saw my mom and she knew her for an instant and that made me happy that there was that instant for my mom and sad that it was gone for me.

8. A video came up on my FB memories the other day of Nigel playing with a toy and I didn't realize it was when she was visiting and suddenly her voice came out of my phone and there is a line in a Jann Arden song that says "I've got a good mother and her voice is what keeps me here" and to hear that voice again almost broke me because I miss that voice so much.

9. When I think of him I think of him like Don Draper. Sharp suit. Slicked back hair. White shirt. Skinny tie. or khakis and a pastel golf shirt with the breast pocket for his smokes. Kent. King size soft pack. Wristwatch and aviator sunglasses. Laugh lines around his blue blue eyes. The dad of my childhood before the moustache and the wretched perm.

10. White shoulders, old spice, Chanel no 5. the smell of my pyjamas after good night hugs.

These musing are in response to Being Here, Humans writing workshop A Grief Revealed and the (condensed) question was: “What do you remember?”

(day 25 of Effy’s blog along)

The Snowball Effect....

1. The limited capacity for any more pain means putting off things like dental care and doing so means that when you finally return it takes 4 times as long and costs 5 times as much.

2. The softness in my body in places that were firm. Again, capacity. Work out? Stretch? Move? What the fuck is that?

3. I feel like the month I was with her alternating between cleaning out her home and sitting by her bed for the entirety of the visiting hours put me in a financial sitch I am still crawling out of 5.5 years later.

4. The dullness. Of my once razor sharp instincts and wit and decision making. It's coming back...slowly.

5. Being on it. washing my hair, doing my taxes, cleaning my bathroom. There used to be so much ease in these basic day to day tasks. It has become so complicated and whelming that I have a tendency to just not. Thankfully that ease is coming back as well but it's been a struggle and like most things in the missing and the grief it's the stuff that makes me feel good that seems to be so hard to do.

6. Feeding myself is an impossible task. It's always been hard but lately it seems harder.

7. Trust. I trust very few people, long term or out of the gate. I am guarded in a way I have never been before.

8. Friendships. I have let so many go. Yes there have been new ones that are clean and honest and real. It was surprising to me how much I was the go to person for so many and its not the reciprocal thing that made me end them, it was the nope you are not the one that gets my vulnerable heart right now. And i found myself wondering if *I* am the one they go to with their vulnerable hearts and deepest secrets then why wouldn't I go to them in return? What was it? The ones I did turn to stayed and the clearing out made room for new loves.

9. My introverted personality became even more so.

10. I think these are all positive in their own ways but one very positive thing is I gave up completely on balance. It was something I kept striving for and I lean towards obsession and allowance for whatever catches my fancy and I set my own hours mostly so balance? Nah. I first started chasing it when I first started looking into self help to help myself and all of the "experts" talked about balance and how necessary it was for a full and fulfilled life. It's all bullshit.

These musings are a response to Being Here, Human’s grief writing workshop and the (shorthand) invitation was “I invite you to articulate all the ways that loss comes in and changes our lives, our bodies, our experience of being here, human.”

(day 24 of Effy’s blog along)

In This Moment..

1. Spring. That first cherry blossom sighting in Vancouver means I survived another damp winter where my bones ached and I felt mouldy and I live for that first one pink bloom every.single.year.

2. My Familiars. I have a love for them that I don't feel for anything else in my life. It was a choice to not have kids and it is a choice to have these kids with fur. I hate the narrative that tells me that I don't know unconditional love til I have kids because I don't believe that. I love these cats like I birthed them from my loins and I love them unconditionally. I love a lot in an unconditional way actually. These familiars become a part of me and only adopting special needs senior black cats is also a choice but I have such a soft spot for the unwanted and the damned and the unloved I believe that if I chose them and said this is your forever for as long as you are here then *I* need to be here for you as well.

3. After. I believe in the good life that comes after. After the phone call, after the news, after the loss and I don't believe it in a spiritually bypassing way because all those things change you in a really permanent way but there is a core part of me that really believes that there is an after. Somehow.

4. Faith. See above. And not in a religious way but where I lose hope I don't lose faith. At least not in a permanent way. Something, some secret message, always presents itself right when i need it to keep the faith.

5. Intense curiosity. It's why I stare at people til my friends elbow me to stop staring and why I love personal stories and why I make up fictional back stories about people I don't know. I want to know because I think people are really fucking interesting when they are themselves at their most natural just living their lives and loving what and who they love and I am here for that and want to make space for that in a world that gives social capital to influencers and lifestyle experts because I do not find those people interesting. I am way too cynical now to buy into that.

6. Stories. See above. I love stories and I think we need to change how we respond to them because the ones that get the most feedback are the ones that bleed and I know we have others because my friends and loved ones tell them and there are random comments I see that are so delightful and delicious and I know that wellness has created a culture of trauma bonding which I think has it's place for sure in a witness and understanding way but I shared a memory from 7 years ago yesterday asking who told me about their fish that committed suicide and the responses this time were as engaging as last time and why is no one talking about the weird stuff like the fish that jumped out of the bowl or the waitress at the coffee shop who looked like your mom. you know?

7. Stubbornness. I am not here for you but don't think I will leave cause of you. Also, fuck you. (they know who they are)

8. Adventure. I gave a lot of those opportunities up for families and jobs and I am 53 now and it's not adrenaline stuff. I don't want to jump out of a plane or scale a majestic mountain but I do want to go to Iceland and Belgium and put my feet where my ancestors were and there are waterfalls to see and one day I will have sex again and there is the world's largest yard sale on my calendar and winters in Mexico and can I still go to space camp at my age hmmm and the Rose bowl flea and a concert at the Hollywood Bowl and there are porches and stoops to sit on face to face with people I only know online while we tell stories of love and loss and lust and longing and I have never been to Paris and they have a famous flea market and the grand bazaars in Morrocan and Intanbul and there are dive bars and diners and cheap motels where my people gather and pools to lay by and love to have and cats to rescue and gardens to plant and that is all adventures I still want to have.

9. Love. I have it and I want more of it.

10. Life. I don't need to be here for family or children or spouse or my job. I gave so much of the first 50 to that. I just want to be here to live my life in the way I want with the people I want. That's enough.

This is my response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary question “in this moment and your lifetime, what are the things that have made you live and choose to live?”

If you like musing on your life and who you are I highly recommend Isabel’s writing sanctuaries that happen every few months. You can find out more here.

If you want to discover the enchantment + delight in your life and the practical magic that surrounds you I invite you to join us for BEWITCHED. It will be a fantastic summer program. I am so excited.

(day 23 of Effy’s blog along)

Trailing thoughts...

1. I have a chin hair that is unpluckable and I don't know why it won't give way and come out. I rub my finger over it again and again and if it never gives I will tie a tiny diamond on it and say fuck it.

2. They canceled all "non-essential" surgeries in my province today and I cried. Because that means i got in just under the wire and because this surgery was canceled LAST March so I know the wait and I feel for everyone rescheduled. Non essential does not mean unnecessary. People are living in pain. I had to log off because the outrage was more about the travel restriction and people who could not go to their cabins than anything else. I wanted to respond to it all in all caps DON'T GO TO YOUR FUCKING CABINS AND INFECT SMALL COMMUNITIES WITH NO HOSPITALS but then I think they know that. They just don't care and I logged off and went back to bed.

3. I watched Beaches yesterday from my bed and I forgot that when the movie came out I was so obsessed with her tiny apartment on Avenue A that had the bathtub in the kitchen and was pink and green that I once had this studio apartment above a store and I painted all the trim emerald green like CC Bloom did and I sent a million screenshots to Stacy.

4. I am so gassy from my surgery that I am grateful I live alone. Although Lola seems incredibly unimpressed.

5. I miss the thrift. I haven't been all week. Maybe a lap through there for an hour would do me good. I just flipped another vintage chenille bedspread I got last Friday and Friday is when all the good linens come out. Maybe I can find and flip another one. I also bought a llama for no other reason than it made me laugh out loud. I named him Stanley and he lives under my fern.

6. I am embracing doing things for no reason other than they make me happy.

7. Not only am I gassy I am so itchy I want to rip my skin off. Isn't that always the way of any freezing or sedative or anesthetic? It leaves through my skin but I can't shower or bathe for a week. Only a whores bath for me. Is that still a term? Whore's bath.

8. <redacted for reasons that are not for public consumption>

9. I spoke too soon. The rain is back and Lola is curled up like a croissant on second branch and I have all the twinkle lights on and it's chilly in here but the coffee is warm and my slippers are soft

10. Someone told me “I manage all my dissatisfaction by spending” and it was like my life was put together. I can so relate. Hmmm.

These musings are in response to Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary.

(Day 22 of Effy’s blog along)