Rhiannon

I have a few mantras that I live by. Words that guide me back to myself over and over again. One of them is my signature “Live Wild. Stay Gold.” These words have so much meaning to me. They have alchemy in them. Lead into gold.

To live wild is to stop breaking my own heart. For me it means making my own rules, loving my pack, and staying feral in a way I have defined for myself. Living wild means actually thinking about what I want and what is enough and where there needs to be less and more. It is a reminder to be IN my life and the experiences, the heartache, the frustration, the enchantment, and the celebrations because there is magic in being in your life.

Stay gold carries the lineage of The Outsiders (one of my fave books). The Outsiders were a band of wild others who found each other and looked after one another. Stay gold is a reference to a Robert Frost poem in the story. "Nothing gold can stay" - meaning the only true thing is death. From that "stay gold" - means be true to yourself while you are here.

The last seven years have been really tough. My life caught fire in 2015 and for a few years I left the flames behind but took the heat with me. Then 2020 came along and we all know what happened then and didn’t we all wonder how it could get worse? For me, in a weird way 2022 has been worse.

You all know I lost Lola on August 20th. (Thank you so much for supporting me through that. I am still unable to read the notes and messages but I will get there. ) I feel like my heart has gone walkabout. It has hung a back in 15 sign on my ribcage. It is on hiatus and I had no idea when it would return it regular programming.

I turned back to what works. Practical magic. My routines that I make into ritual. And my mantras. I have been examining the ways I break my own heart quite a bit since since I became floofless, and turned 55, and along with that I have been looking at my life through the lens of my love languages of space, ease, simplicity, softness, and enchantment.

The summary of all those is I want some peace and consistency. I need things to stay the same for a little while so I can focus on some other stuff that keep getting back burnered. But I really miss the feline energy that is part of my magic and my fuel. Then last week I got a message from my friend Jen…

It seems her friend Emma had found a mini panther crying loudly in some bushes. They heard her as they walked by. Scared and alone they scooped her up and brought her in and fed her and took her to the vet but there is o microchip or tattoo and she is healthy with no fleas and is about 12-14 weeks old. They did the due diligence to see if someone was looking for her but no one came forward so we suspect she was dumped for the coyotes to get. Theyhave an elderly dog who is anti cat and my friend wondered if I could maybe take her. After some refection I decided to stop breaking my own heart and said yes.

Friends I would like to introduce you to Rhiannon. (shout out to Effy for the name) but I call her RiRi. This is her on her first few nights here.

Her FULL name is Rhiannon Gisele Isabella Ruby Moon Magnusson. It’s a lot I know but she can handle it. As my friend said “she handled the dark alleys of the streets until rescued, all 2 lbs of flesh and courage and might.”

a fierce little black panther with white teeth and a pink tongue yelling.

I picked her up a week ago. She was very scared and spent two days in the closet only coming out at night. She also peed on my bed but we will let that slide. I only decided on her name today. I couldn’t name her until l got to know her.

A week in here is what we know so far:

She is a night owl and she likes to watch tv. Last night she made biscuits for the first time and I cried. She started meowing Saturday and she is a talker. She loves toys and having her cheeks rubbed and when she stretches she forgets to come out of it and just lays there sound asleep and really long. She is slightly bowlegged but struts like she is on a runway. She is only just discovering the cat tree. Today she began her first shift as my assistant.

She holds one paw in the air when she is sitting (exactly like Lola used to) and I have already woken up to this. #stanleycam

a stuffed llama named Stanley has been tipped over from his place between a speaker an a baskets of magazines which sit under a credenza filled with plants and fabulous smalls.

Since 2013 I have walked 6 amazing felines to the rainbow bridge and was honoured to do so. I loved every single one of them like I birthed them from my loins and I still miss them dally in different ways and for different reasons. I love senior cats and black cats because they are the unwanted ones that have trouble finding homes and I have been searching for home for a while so I get it. By home I mean the place, not the apartment. My apartments and the magic I put in to them are part of what has kept me here.

For now though…it’s time for my heart to heal with a baby familiar. She is pure magic and I would die for her already.

I am going to let her settle in and maybe go back for Stevie Nicks, the senior who buried her head in my neck and let me cry into her fur for ten minutes, who I am told is just fine with other cats. I think she is shelter depressed and that is why she is a loaf but right now it’s all about settling in RiRi so she feels safe and soaking up the kitten energy. Be prepared to be bombarded with photos.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

My French side...

I was looking at my DNA results the other day because I got an email from Ancestry and every time I log on it makes me laugh because I am not split into many categories. Two primary - Iceland and France. I am currently obsessed with everything French because I am veery much in the missing of my mom and Aunt and they both loved that aesthetic and wore it well. I saw a woman on TikTok who had a little corner bistro table and French bistro chairs and didn’t save it but I found this photo on Pinterest and I AM OBSESSED. I want a little space like this so I can be more intentional and slow with my eating. Actually I want it exactly like this. Creamy white walls, and interesting vintage framed art and a marble topped table with a black pedestal base and two bistro chairs but I would have floral fabric seats I think. Or plain velvet. In a teal or gold.

Why amI telling you this? A little back story:

At the beginning of this year I gave myself the promise that I would devote 6 months to just me and my work. It was so fabulous I decided to devote the rest of the year to it. No dating. Very little socializing. A whole lot of daydreaming and miles and miles of tv and movies and music and books full of secret messages to guide me through the next 45 years of my life (assuming I live to 100 which is my plan).

Then the Lola diagnosis hit and I fell deep into a well of anticipatory grief and a lot of the space I had made in the first 4 months of the year vanished into thin air. Not all of it but quite a bit.

Things like how I was looking after myself and how I was looking after my home. All the creative projects I was working on came to a dead stop and things I loved doing I stopped. The only thing I did with love and consistency (other than helicopter parent) Lola was Your Favorite Self tour and Auntie Collection. I kept those commitments to my kittens and wild ones and that pretty much ate up my bandwidth.

Lola is what Lola is. My absolute bestie of a cat daughter - who I feel I birthed from my loins - who has advanced kidney cancer but I don’t think she is days from death like I was told. Obviously cause that was early May and today is the beginning of August. I think her worm treatment for Leonard Colon - her intestinal parasite - is already helping, She has slowed down as seniors with medical conditions do and what happens is going to happen but I need to be back in the land of the living. I miss myself and I miss my life.

Re-entry is hard because when you sink to the bottom of the well of despair you have to float back up again. I started with a few things I had put off. I made a dentist appointment and showed up for it and it was brutal but I survived and I am proud of myself. I made a chiro appointment and showed up (a few times now) because all my surgeries and depression and covid anxiety has locked my back and hips and I miss my body moving like it used to. Both of these things are gonna be a slow and painful process that I have decided to give myself grace to muddle through and I will make more appointments and show up for those as well.

My love languages remain space, ease, and simplicity so I am doing a purge thing I saw years ago where you get rid of one thing on day one and two things on day two and so on. I know that letting go is now a superpower of mine after years of leaving claw marks on everything I let go of so I am excited about that. When that is done I will tweak my 2020 redecoration to include a little bistro spot because I already know I will make the space for it.

I am back on my duolingo and in a 28 day streak of Spanish and French. I am doing my silly mental health walks and as soon as the heat wave lifts this apartment is gonna get scrubbed with bleach and vinegar and all the auntie collection boxes will be properly packed and mailed. I had a bubble wrap issue - as in I couldn’t GET any and it’s here now and I want people to get their treasures so yay for that. I launched a wild musings for August that I created earlier this year and was supposed to be in spring. The timing of this tour being pleasure focused even though by my January plan it is delayed is not lost on me.

I love Leo season and the fire it brings and I am glad I trusted my gut with Lola this week and decided to start again. For me, that is the beauty of being human. I can always start again.

Live wild. Stay gold. Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

You can check out the daily purge on TikTok @wildmusings and you can read about the Pleasure Tour HERE.

Rumours...

. Vetting any future involvement and possible wasted time by asking all future dates “do you agree to go as the Rumours album cover for Halloween”.

. My hair is really soft.

. I saw a TikTok of Jack Nicholson leaving a Lakers game and he was swarmed by paparazzi and I felt really protective of him. He is in his 80’s and gave us hours of entertainment. Let him retire in peace.

. I know why he thinks the others are more fun and I am more work. It’s because he brings all of his anxiety, frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger and so on to our friendship and I nurture and listen and he gives all the shows and the laughter to them so of course that seems like way more fun. They don’t get anything BUT the fun, There is no real life and real problems in those situations. It’s all left on me and then when I bring any of that to HIM for nurturing or witness I am suddenly work. Wonder how fun they will be when they are walking him through a dui or getting vaccinated or family issues or any of the other million things he brings to my doorstep? That clicked some things into place for me and gave me peace and some decisions to make.

. I saw a gold slip dress at the thrift but it was too small and now i am obsessed with finding a mid calf gold slip dress.

. There is a small business on tiktok that keeps coming up in my fyp and her retired dad helps her pack the orders and it’s adorable and now people are posting their order numbers in the comments with a request for her dad to pack it and she has been filming him in his little sweater vests reading the orders and then smiling at the camera while he packs it and it is so pure because you can see how excited he is for his daughters business.

. got a record number of unsubs to my last love letter and I wonder if people don’t want to know that it’s ok to take time for yourself and relax or if it was the D comment but either way I always want them to go with love because I am all for keeping what feeds the places that need feeding. I have more thoughts on this but that might be another letter lol.

. The thing about not having a pet sharing relationship with someone is that no one else wants to talk about Lola and her moody quirks as much as I want to talk about Lola and her moods and no one wants to see that many photos.

. Why must we do hard things all the time? Some things yes but not all. I am craving ease and simplicity and space and doing things that are fun and creative. I am tired. In the year of our Lola 2021 we deserve to put down the hard things that we choose and I say choose because some of them choose us and we need to have the capacity to handle those ones.

. “Trees are stored sunlight” ~Effy.

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Want to muse with me? Before we lose the light and heat and the holidays take over I am doing a 2 week peaceful easy feelings sessions of Wild Musings. Please come! all the glorious details are HERE. xx

Thrifting genius...

. I bought this vintage silk pillowcase as a my wrap up present to myself after the Full Bush tour because the symbol for that tour was a peacock and I like to indulge beginnings and ends in certain ways and I carried it around in my bag since August looking for a pillow insert because they are mad expensive online and I am thrifting genius and I FINALLY FOUND ONE for 3.49 on Monday at vv.

. this moon combined with the anniversary of my losing my mom combined with a very traumatizing betrayal from someone I love deeply has me in my feelings which is ok because I am ok and feelings are ok and I know how to move through them.

. So many changes right now.

. glad I took that wee break from writing. I was still doing these daily because it is more of a spiritual practice than work but I needed to not write anything for a bit.

. Went back to the thrift today to drop off some clothes I am not feeing and I bought Lola something. Photos tomorrow if I can manage it

. this early monsoon rain is always such a hard transition for me.

. Ordered the ingredients for my fave fall soup and will tackle that tomorrow.

. craving something but haven’t figured it out yet. Don’t you hate that? The wanting but not being able to name.

. I want bangs again. uh oh.

I am doing another 2 week Wild Musings that starts Nov 7! All the glorious details are HERE! Join us?

I can't...

I am having anxiety about being behind because I committed to this challenge but then Lola had a talk with me and told me that it’s ok that I am behind and to just jump back in from here. I muse daily in a notes folder on my phone so here are the highlights.

9.11 - I thought I would head immediately into vaca but I needed to catch up on so many things I haven’t really gone fully into vaca mode and that’s ok. I did a deep clean and a bunch of laundry and finished my living room and caught up on some docs appts and email and phone calls i needed to make and boring stuff like that and still have not chosen a green.

9.12 - Supposed to go to Ikea with Mike today but he has been filming late so we are not going. Which i prefer actually. I only want to spend time with people who are generous in spirit and not out of obligation and I would rather someone say I am really exhausted can we do this another time.

9.13 - I turned 54 today and it was a lovely day. On Sunday that Guy dropped by with flowers which was sweet. Mike dropped by with cards and wine and cash on his way home from work. The East Van witches took me out for dinner which was hilarious because you can’t get a hot meal in this city after 8:30 and you can’t get anything on a Monday but we went to the local pub that was miraculously open and it was fun. Carly gave me a black cat watering can that Lola was not on board with when I put it beside her food dish as she was eating and Niki gave me a birthday candle full of facts about people born on September 13. I am surrounded by love.

9.14 - EFFY AND ISABEL GOT ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIDEOS FROM POT ROAST AND HER MOM AND IT’S EVERYTHING. I knew it would be. and I did threaten to go on an absolute rampage if I didn’t get one lol. They are so hilarious and I am keeping them forever and have watched them about 47 million times. You can marvel at them if you want. I am obsessed. Pot Roast one and Pot Roast two. They also knew something else wouldn’t happen so they MADE it happen and my heart grew grinch styles. <3

9.15 - I cannot get motivated to finish rearranging my bedroom and haven’t even made the bed. I am sleeping on top of the bedspread and i hate it when I get like this but it happens and i just need to work through it. Finished all seasons of Grey’s and wondering if that show in that amount all at once is affecting my mood? Gonna take a break from tv for a few days and sleep as much as I want this week.

9.16 - Carly had the day off so we hit vv on 49th and got groceries and had lunch. Found a vintage grandma pillow in gold silk for 5 bucks. It was worth the drive.

9.17 - I have forgotten how to deep breathe. I have been taking vids of lola being cute and I can hear my shallow breathing so gonna look at that when vaca really starts.

9.18 - ultrasound for my swollen thyroid today. I hate having my throat touched and to press the ultrasound on it was torture and I was on the edge of a panic attack. I need my neck clear. No chokers, no crew necks, no turtlenecks, no tight scarves. It’s a thing.

9.19 - my remaining plants are thriving and I have been mostly offline this week and I took some of my birthday cash and went to my local witch store and got a few things and I am wondering if it is time for an altar again? I have wild altars everywhere because my home is an altar to my self loyalty but haven’t had anything “official” in a while.

9.20 - Started watching Ted Lasso and this is the show I needed. It’s so funny and real and it is lifting my spirits. Grey’s made me feel like I was dying. Every patient had me googling symptoms.

9.21 - I went to the dollar store to buy coffee filters and bought some bat shaped twinkle lights.

9.22 - Dropped some more stuff at the thrift and came home with a mug with a pistol handle, gold platform heels, and mini oranges encased in acrylic. Because of course i did lol.

All the days of Effy’s blogalong.

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Why is green so hard?

. I have had these paint swatches on my wall for a week and i don’t think any of them are the one. Theses are from Lowe’s and I going to go to Home Depot and see what they have. I chose the blue in m living room in a an instant but this green is kiling me.

. I was going to paint one wall and woke up wondering what the entire room painted green would feel like? With my black bed and flufly white bedding. Would I feel like I was waking up in the forest like the feral kitten I believe i am? Thoughts?

. I want to wake up happy.

. It’s my birthday weekend and Mike is taking me to Ikea to buy fluffy white bedding as my present. I donated all of my vintage bedspreads and I am currently using a nap blanket and it’s starting to get chilly. Should have thought that through lol.

. My main focus this weekend is the final bits of my apartment redecoration now that i have my dream shelf. It’s a disaster in here and it’s making me cranky. I miss the me that had everything in its place. Space. Ease. simplicity. Maybe this weekend I will write about simplicity.

. I feel like my vaca won’t really start til next week because i had a bunch of stuff to do to wrap up all those tours and housework and my inbox is a mess.

. It’s starting to feel like fall.

. I wonder if Mike will get the cameo or the stuff from Ravens Veil?

. I think I am watching too much grey’s. lol

Day 10 of Effy’s blogalong.

Ease...

Ease is another one of my love languages along with space. I have been in the FIRE the past 7 years in so many ways. Death, grief, health, finances - all intricately linked to each other and I am ready for things to be less hard and have a little ease.

“Is there ease here?” is a question that guides most of my decisions. When I say ease I don’t mean easy. Because those are very different. Somethings that have ease to them are also easy. I don't mind things that are hard or things I have to learn. It's more about asking is this something I will enjoy, want to be a part of, can manage along with everything else.

Capacity is a thing and I am solely responsible for everything in my life. Housework, laundry, food, personal care, Lola. My income is generated by my thoughts and ideas and secret messages I receive so having ease means i have more capacity for everything. Things I HAVE to do and things I LOVE to do and things that keep a roof over my head, which falls into the have to and love to category.

Ease for me right now looks like:

Buying a nine dollar bathtub/tile scrubber with a handle from Amazon because my joint pain is so bad that kneeling to clean my tub was painful so I wasn’t doing it. I love baths and I love having a clean house so that purchase made it doable.

Getting rid of all the plants that are problematic and were not thriving. I love my plant babies but i don’t have the time or the knowledge to have persnickety ones. Now I know which ones survive and love the kind of light and care and time I can give them.

Purging and creating space that makes it easy to clean. Anxiety and depression are not constant companions anymore but they do like to drop by more often than I like and a clean space makes me feel more like me so I need there to be ease to it. When there is clutter or too much stuff it’s hard and I don’t do it and then i get in this cycle of hating my space and hating that I don’t have the energy to fix it. I don’t want to have to move stuff around to get behind it and I don’t want to have closets and drawers so packed I can’t put stuff away but I do like my stuff so now I have what I love and it’s so easy.

I bought a cordless dyson which has changed my life. Old apartments are low in outlets and having to unplug shit to plug in the vacuum annoyed the fuck out of me. Now I get to zoom around without a cord and pick up all the fur and leaves Lola tracks in and dust from the alley and it’s everything. I saved for it and I am so glad I did.

Ending relationships where I was always looking for the subtext and feeling bad after every interaction. The people I am in relation to now means I don’t have to do that. I trust that there is open honest communication and I don’t analyze subtext because I always feel good after every interaction and it doesn’t matter if we talked last Tuesday or last year I trust that we are ok. I feel got and I get them and it’s made a world of difference.

How I work and who I work with. Sometimes I write at midnight and there has to be ease in how we relate to each other. I say no to things that my gut says will be difficult. Bewitched with Isabel and the stuff I created with Tina were so full of ease and delight and honouring of each other. That’s how I need it to be and I want more of it and there is more coming and it is work that isn’t easy but in the best way.

So, space and ease. There are others but that is for another day.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

I am taking some time off to get re-centered and if you want to support me in this I would love it. <3

Day 9 of Effy’s blog along.

Linda + Paula

The first year I met Tina, my Yaya, we went on an adventure and met, and fell in love, with these two crazy ladies, Linda and Paula. They were hysterical and a little strange. But in a really good way because we both love strange people.

They owned a little shop called "The Space" and it had everything you didn't know you wanted, and were positive you never needed, until the moment you walked in there. It was like you were under a spell and suddenly everything you could possibly imagine was right at your fingertips.

Because Tina and I loved them so we visited often, and got to know them really well. It's been awhile since we were there but I often wonder how they are doing and if their little shop is still around.

Linda was in her early 50's. Childless. Not by choice we found out but by circumstance as she was never able to have children. She had long grey curly hair that she always referred to it as her "frizz". She wore linen pants, and long tunics, and always had really interesting malas around her neck and big crystal rings on each finger. My inner style guru was both appalled, fascinated, and in love at the same time. It was all very confusing lol.

Martin - Marty - Goldstein was Linda's husband. They met in college - and if you asked him how long they had been married he could, and did, quote it to the day. "We have been married 30 years and 64 days". It was adorable.

If you asked Linda she would say "since the beginning of time" and then roll her eyes. But you knew she was just teasing him.

Marty was a physics professor at the university. Very stoic. Very sensible. Yet together they were perfect.

He was the practical to her magical, the rational to her irrational, the logic to her illogical, and the grounding to her magical energy. They had that easy kind of love that is so refreshing to be around. And the way he looked at her made us melt.

On the weekends he would come visit the shop and bring their dog Plato. It was Marty who named the dog because he liked to study philosophy in his spare time. As a hobby. He was such an interesting fella.

They also had a big old tomcat named Frampton (named by Linda because she said she was a child of the 70's) and a rescue rabbit named Winston, because he looked like Winston Churchill. Ironically Winston was also the name of Marty's brother in law, who was married to his younger brother Danny.

There were Jewish but non practicing, although Marty still went to synagogue occasionally. Mostly when his mother Ruth was in town. Danny was a plastic surgeon and Winston taught yoga and took Danny's name when they married. Something Ruth never fails to mention to Linda every time she visits because Linda refused to take Goldstein as her last name, she kept her maiden name although she never told us what it was.

Linda never accompanied them because she said her days of organized religion were long past, and these days when asked she often referred to herself as a witch. They both did actually, Paula too. They would look at each other and laugh and mutter "witch" under their breath and then both of them would crack up.

It was so casual, and odd, and hilarious at the same time. It always made us think of the two crazy aunts in Practical Magic and you know Tina and I LOVED that because at that time we had a group called The Coven of the Esoteric Muse and we were all about witchiness and we were witch adjacent.

Paula was so different from Linda. She was a little younger, early to mid 40's, and looked like a Stepford wife. Casual twin sets, capris, and a chin length blond bob that was so straight it could cut cheese.

Hanging out at the shop one day, Tina asked them how they met and became such close friends. Before Linda bought the shop she was a social worker who worked with troubled teens, and she met Paula when Paula, and her then husband Robert Carlisle Jackson III, were having problems with their daughter Jennifer Elizabeth Jackson - JJ for short. Elizabeth for Liz Taylor of course.

Paula liked to say that Robert never really had trouble with anything because he never really paid any attention to her or JJ so saying "they" had trouble with JJ was a courtesy. He really didn't care or notice.

When Paula left Robert she and JJ ended up staying with Linda and Marty for a bit. Much to Marty's chagrin because he is not down with changes to his routine.

Paula had never worked before Linda made her a partner at The Space. She had a college degree but had been dating Robert since her freshman year and college was really only because it was what someone in her social circle did. She called herself the poster child for WASP and said that her entire life she did was was expected of her.

Now being single, and away from the control and expectations of Robert, and the place they held in upper class society, she had never felt so free. She was even dating and they used to tell us hilarious stories that I couldn't relate to then, but man oh man can I relate now.

JJ turned out fine and is a hairdresser and makeup artist in NY. Living a great life of love, and travel, and adventure, but she still comes home a few times a year to visit her mom and her Aunt Linda.

For some reason her many tattoos and blue hair didn't bother Marty but had it been anyone else he would have been offended. He was always going on about the kids at the university and their weird hair and piercings. He grew to love JJ as she grew from wild teen to interesting young woman and in his eyes she is the daughter he never had. It's mutual because she also thinks the world of Marty and has no contact with her dad.

Because life can be a shit show, Tina and I stopped going there to see them. Other things got in the way and as I was walking around aimlessly today on the first sunny day of the year I got to thinking about them.

I texted Tina and said we need to revisit Linda and Paula next time we hook up. I haven't heard back from her yet but we had so much fun with them and loved them so, that it's embarrassing we forgot about them for a time.

I wanted to introduce them to you because at one time these ladies meant everything. There are a million more stories I can tell you about our adventures with them but I will leave it here for now. I hope you found them as fascinating as we did.

Bt the way, Linda and Paula are totally fictional and Tina and I made them up.

We used to sit on Skype for hours drinking wine and telling a million stories about these two magical ladies as if they were true and happening in real time. Linda and Paula, the best and worst parts of ourselves and an amalgamation of us, and everyone we loved.

I miss those nights of creativity and hilarity that were so special because it was all about imagination, friendship and zero agenda. We even have a secret Pinterest board of what "The Space" looks like and a board dedicated to what would be sold there. We were ALL IN with Linda and Paula.

Sometime between then, and now, I lost that part of myself. That random nothingness that in the end means everything. I am glad I went on this little trip down memory lane and maybe, just maybe, Tina and I can start telling these stories again. At least to each other and maybe to the world one day.
***

This is a midnight musings letter I wrote a few years ago and I woke up this morning after a shitty sleep thinking about Linda + Paula and the cast of characters we created. I am heading out this afternoon to the Raven’s Veil which is my local witchy shop that is just down the street. I messaged my yaya and said we need more of this. Making up stories for no reason.

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Day 8 of Effy’s September blogalong.

Shapeshiting...

I get so many secret messages from my colouring app.

A while back I turned off all notifications on my phone except my moon app, banking/cc apps, and my text messages. I knew I would check in on the socials because I love the socials and all the fabulous relationships i have there and I love knowing what the people/brands i have CHOSEN to follow are up to but I wanted to do it on MY time and it has really helped my peace of mind.

I don’t know if it is the new Virgo moon but I feel very much in the goo. Caterpillar to butterfly styles.

I am anxious to get my place sorted and a few grown up things I loathe like calls I have to make and a doctors appointment and the dentist. Stuff I hate and will procrastinate about for way longer than I should.

I think I need a vacation. Like a real life get out of dodge, turn my phone off, read trashy paperbacks, stare at sunsets, listen to the waves crash, all you can eat buffet with a salad bar, spa treatments, bar IN the pool, clean sheets daily, hot tub, room service sleep all I want, talk only when I want vacation.

Maybe this will complete my shapeshifting transformation.

A girl can dream right.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

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Day 7 of Effy’s September blogalong.

Space...

When I saw this tweet a few years ago I felt like my entire life suddenly made sense. I had unconsciously been looking for a new way of looking at my life and this felt so right so I claimed it. With credit every time I talk about it.

Love languages are a litmus test for what I want and a magnifying glass to really look at my life and how I want it to feel.

The five key elements of my love language of space looks like….

Before I commit to something I ask is there space for this? Do I have the spoons for it. The energy? The desire? The health? The capacity? Does it leave space for my impulsiveness and spontaneity and my strange brain? Meaning what do the deadlines look like and does this work with my circadian rhythm and what does my gut say and does it feel expansive? Is there space for how I create and process?

When I buy something I ask in the literal sense. Do I have the space for this? If not and I love it, what do I love less that can go so this can replace it. This applies to everything. Because I need ACTUAL space. White space. I prefer white space to a grey area because it is cleaner. In-between space. When I don’t have that there is no ease (which is another of my lave languages) and i live in a small space so I need to really pay attention to that. There has to be space to move things around which I believe to be one of the greatest energy shifts we can do. Movement is good. So is change.

I need space for myself, not just for my things, to spread out and move around. In my bed, on my sectional, and soon my office chair which is coming. I need space to lie on the floor and space to stretch and space to wander around. If I have stuff everywhere I feel trapped. I am actually claustrophobic. I love a small space more that a bigger space to live in but it needs to be calm and zen with muted dark tones mixed with white and lots of floor and wall space with nothing filling it. Not minimalist per se but layered minimalism. Giant furniture with lots of plants and books and fans in every room. If it’s here I have to love it and too much colour makes me antsy and nervous. So do ceiling fans but that’s another phobia lol.

It looks like permission. For my alone time. For my spare time. For my desires and dreams and covets to come to life. For my boundaries and my yes’s and my no’s. For not responding at all.

It allows for relationships that are imperfect. Where we can ALL be every version of ourselves including the ones we hate and get us in trouble and keep us stuck and end in stories where we don’t come off looking that great but are met with love and kindness and humour and snatching us back to what we want and reminding us what we know for sure and reflecting our magic back to us when we need it and fighting for each other by taking the lead and standing beside and behind one another. I let go of a lot of friendships over the last few years because there was space for all of that for them because I am a hell of a listener and when I needed it there was no reciprocation. There was judgement and victim blaming and toxic positivity and demands to suck it up because my life is not THAT bad. I left those because you can’t celebrate me for the space I give them and condemn me for the space I want for myself. It doesn’t work like that.

***

I don’t have a spouse or parents or a mentor or a priest to guide me. I have some amazing humans and mama moon and the seasons and Lola and this love language of Space. So far it’s working. I am doing ok.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

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Day 6 of Effy’s September Blog along.

Easy like a Sunday morning...

. Woke up at 12:30 pm with this lady.

. My deep clean is not going well. I should have just done it on Wednesday on my first day off because my motivation is zero but I did get my bathroom and kitchen done. I also somehow purged a bunch of stuff. Again. I am going to have nothing left.

. all day yesterday I thought it was Friday until Hollie said in a text “sounds like a lazy Saturday” and I said “it’s Saturday?”. I have been so acutely aware of deadlines that I am now not even sure what day it is. Whew.

. Why am I craving a big mac?

. Was going to wander down the block to my fave witch store but they closed for the long weekend. I love it when local businesses do that. Just close to give themselves a break. My fave pizza place is also closed.

. I think I will have a nice long hot bath and make some tea and just chill today. I obviously need it.

. almost thought about turning on my heat last night. Fall is here.

. Still watching Grey’s obsessively.

. I need laundry loonies.

. I know what it is going to look like.

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Day 5 of Effy’s September blogalong.

Mysterious widow...

Not going to lie. This is my dream and I am building the wardrobe and decor to suit it.

Let’s look around because I am curious if I send this signal.

I remember way back in the 80’s reading an article in a decorating magazine and the designer said every single space should have a touch of black to anchor it and I have never forgotten that. In every space i have curated for myself I added a touch of black. Even in my all white stage where the walls, sofa, and bedding was white and all my wood was teak I still put it over a white shag carpet (I was channeling Liz Taylor’s house that I saw in Architectural Digest) but the black anchor was the tv. That was before tv’s were wall hung and thin and light. They had those huge backs and needed their own stand and were so heavy. Yes, I am that old.

Now I have black velvet curtains and throw pillows in the living room, a black rattan headboard and bed frame in the bedroom, black floating shelves and an actual blackboard wall in the kitchen/studio space and I put my vintage panthers on the bathroom shelves. Black is sinister so I think this is a good start.

I have some other dark walls and very moody lighting and all of my candle holders are vintage black iron with tall white pillar candles so I think I am channeling “most feared widow in the village” nicely. In my decor anyway.

** scans the space looking for cursed artifacts **

mini me and mini Lola

There is my mini me. A gift to my Aunt from a close friend who did ceramics made from a photo of me (my brother has one too). They look EXACTLY LIKE US and we are pretty sure they carry a piece of our souls. When he found them buried (no pun intended) in a box deep in my moms storage under the christmas decorations he didn’t know what to do with them so he shipped them to Vancouver with the rest of his stuff. We hadn’t thought about them in 40 years or more. They used to sit on the hearth in her family room but she sold that house in the late 80’s so now what? I put mine in a vintage kimono and got her a little familiar and she is rumoured to have a lock of my hair baked into her.

Just kidding about the hair. I think…

** keeps looking **

Fortune teller mug and brass bell

There is this fortune teller mug and bell. My Aunt gave them both to me and told me i had to put the mug where I could see her so the fortune teller could advise me and to keep money in it to attract abundance so it is filled with old money from all over the world and a few rosaries. The bell she got in Italy the first time she was there and it was always my fave of her brass bell collection.

There are other things that could apply but I think there is a fine line between cursed and magical. I have seen things at flea markets and the thrift that I believe were cursed. I could feel it and even though i might have loved it I would never buy something with that energy. For any type of adornment. Wardrobe or home because eep! It is why I get that having a fear of old things or previously owned items is an actual phobia. I feel that way about clowns. I would never have any clowns around me. This might stem from the clown in the movie Poltergeist but still. There is nothing scarier than a clown.

I am gonna take the “feared widow” title anyway because that amuses me and also I can be a mean and petty bitch with some exquisite boundaries and no interest in listening to what men have to say and I have no trouble standing up for myself in many situations so obviously that applies because isn’t that what makes women feared? A voice. Boundaries. Not caring what the patriarchy thinks. Being single.

It’s not my resting bitch face or my all black wardrobe that MIGHT indicate that I could be involved when i am being interviewed about my whereabouts of my missing lovers. It’s not my black cats or my collection of tarot cards. It’s not the magic I know or the magic I carry or the covens that surround me. It’s not my biting words or my clever wit.

It’s 100 percent how MEN view me that makes me feared.

It’s my firm no’s and my “I didn’t ask what you thought” and how I nurture and love and gather and support my village in a way that leaves them out that makes me feared. Because they know without them I will be fine in my dark and moody apartment wearing my dark and moody vintage clothes, talking out loud to my familiar and my mini me and my fortune teller.

The only thing left it to acquire an ACTUAL real life village next to water and a forest where we can all channel the feared widow energy and reign supreme. Together. Cursed and happy.

Also, some goats. We need some goats. And a pack of wolves. And ravens. And a bat colony. And a fire pit in the village square with a fire that never goes out. And an apothecary. What else do we need? Tell me.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

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Randomness and wild musings for day 4 of Effy’s September blog along.

Live footage...

. I am interpreting this photo from my colouring app last night as live footage of me and Lola screaming away full speed from everyone online that annoys us. Also, I should get her a cape.

. I was at Lowe’s the other day looking at paint samples and decided to check out the price of tall palms for my living room because it is clear I cannot grow a fern and I was looking at some plants and I saw movement and I immediately thought RAT but it was a tiny lizard. We made eye contact and are friends now.

. My hair grew two inches overnight. I might dye it pink.

. Thinking lots and with love about my baby squirrel and how hard it is to send seniors to the rainbow bridge. Mama, I hope you know you were loved and that Len and Stevie and Nigel met you at the endless cheese buffet in the sky and showed you the way.

. Booked a call with my Yaya for monday and thinking about the time we created two fictional witches who owned a shop called The Space that carried everything you ever wanted and didn’t know you needed and how they would meddle in peoples lives and fix things and I miss them. And her.

. I am now following a pet raccoon on TikTok named Reba. No one will be surprised by this.

. Wild Musings Tour was so fun and I love that so many that came are still musing. Like REALLY love that.

. I am going to keep saying that my abortion was a fantastic decision and was not traumatic and I am grateful I could have it done safely because we need to change the narrative.

. The term holding space is heading to the same territory as deep dive for me lately. There are a bzillion ways for people to hold space and there as just as many ways people need it held and not everyone meets everything so how can you be an expert at it? .

. I got a bit tidied in my apartment today but I did more couch surfing than anything. Feeling a bit more rested so tomorrow.

. Dropped some stuff at the thrift and found the most gorgoeus 40’s rayon reversible kimono robe. And the person at the check out asked me why I always bought them and i said I wear them and use them as art and she said she loves them too and I love that we had that little connection in common.

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Day 3 of Effy’s September blogalong.

Last dance of the season...

It’s the last dance of the season and time to leave Kellerman’s until next summer. I don’t mind. There is something about September that is very New Years to me. I always think of that line in You’ve Got Mail that said “fall makes me want to buy school supplies and i would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew where you lived” - that is how I feel about fall. It’s time to dig out the notebooks and wear jeans again.

I love change. Changing of seasons. Changing my mind. Changing my sheets. Changing my clothes. It means things are fresh and new and I am here for that.

Since February 2020 I have run 4 tours with over 300 fabulous folks embracing change as it relates to their self loyalty. I designed, branded, sold, and launched each tour. I wrote (co-wrote in Bewitched) over 120 prompts and read every post and comment in 4 different groups. I also worked part time at a vintage store through half of it, sourced and flipped vintage to pay for my redecoration, saw clients one on one, had a major surgery and I am responsible for every single thing in my life from cat litter to cleaning to groceries. Such is life living in one of the worlds most expensive cities while embracing a community care business model because i believe that “self development” should be accessible to all and I am over the more you pay the more you get mindset of the wellness industry. Every tier I (we) launched got the same content and accessibility and I am really proud of that and all of the work I have done in the past year and a half.

Your mama cat is TIRED though. That is a LOT of kittens.

From 2015 and the fire of that and the years of survival after and the months since Covid.

I am giving myself a birthday gift of a few weeks off starting next week. First I have to deep clean my house because its pretty gnarly in here and I finally got my dream rattan shelving unit but have had no time to vignette it and my living room floor is full of plants and smalls and coffee table books. Then I have to dig out my inbox which is a nightmare and I won’t be able to relax until I do both.

After that? If you need me I will be lounging on my glorious velvet sectional, in fabulous light, admiring my gorgeous vignettes and talking to my plants.

I am also going to squeeze Lola’s tiny skeleton and use her as a pillow as much as she will let me. I plan to soak up as much sun as possible from my deck before rainy season hits and I might book a facial and read some trashy bodice ripping romance novels and re-watch Yellowstone before season 4 starts and play with all my makeup and take long baths and paint a wall in my bedroom that specific green that is in the centre of a peacock feather. I am going to move my bed to the other wall so I can chat better with mama moon and wake up and see trees instead of my concrete balcony wall and I will watch hours of TikTok and pin like its my job. I will book my pap smear because I am due and I will vote for Jagmeet Singh because those are important but other than that there will be no deadlines.

I have some new work in the works and some older work that I want to revisit and update and if I feel like it I will noodle on that because there is so much ease to a slow creative process and it is fun for me to discover what it looks like and when is the right time and exchange secret messages with Isabel. I might try to socially distance see some friends but we just had a giant anti vac/anti mask covid denying rally here yesterday so while I have remained masked and sanitized and 6ft away from people forever I will be extra vigilant about that again.

And finally I will turn 54. Which I can hardly believe because I feel 104 and 24 all at the same time and such is life and what the fuck is time and what does ageing even look like anymore?

It looks like me.

Beauty and madness and brilliance and angst all in one slightly neurotic, cynically optimistic, hilarious and petty, sexy middle aged woman who found the good life. You know…the one they tell you about. The one that comes after. After the call, the loss, the sadness, the disappointment or the dismissal.

I am in the after and it is wildly enchanting.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Renee xx

PS -if you want to support your mama cat in these few weeks off I will lovingly accept it.

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This is day 2 of Effy Wild’s September 2021 blogalong.

Hard to buy for...

A letter to the past, present, and future men in my life.

My birthday is coming up in two weeks and I am getting the “what do you want because you are so hard to buy for” question again. I have been having this discussion with my people because I am in a relationship with so many Leo’s and all of their birthdays just happened and they get the SAME question. 

On some level I get it.

We are of an age where we don’t really NEED anything. We live in small spaces and have very little storage or room for things we don’t absolutely adore. We are pretty indulgent with ourselves as our budget allows and to be honest sometimes when our budget doesn’t allow it but is a NEED and we must have it and even that is rare because it’s not easy to live in Vancouver where more than half my income goes to rent but it is my reality. We are incredibly particular about our style and what we like. Something could be “off” by the slightest, teeniest detail and we won’t love it, wear it or display it. 

I get that this can seem intimidating. I do. And while I appreciate the question there are OTHER ways this can be approached.

My birthday falls on the same day every year. It’s never a surprise and it never creeps up on people. It is always gonna be on September 13th so plan accordingly. I am looking at you and by you I mean every guy I have ever dated who fucked up my birthday because I Am HaRd to Buy For. 

I covet as a spiritual practice and right now I am very into everything French. My bestie went to Paris a few years ago and described their aesthetic to me and I became deeply smitten so we have been asking ourselves “does this seem Parisienne” with everything we covet. Blame my French grandmother and my Belgian DNA. I really want this boxed set of sheer lipsticks from Violette.Fr because I am obsessed with her style and also these candles because they are bougie and so am I. 

There are also the things that are so funny and ridiculous that I can’t POSSIBLY order them for myself. Like this cat people candle or a cameo from Pot Roast. I freely and wholeheartedly admit I am a crazy cat lady but to PURCHASE THESE MYSELF is crossing into a crazy cat lady dimension I can’t go to (yet) as a single, no kids, almost 54 year old women.  

Consumables like mani/pedis, indulgent facials, and new plant babies are also a big yes for me. 

This has ALWAYS been a tender spot for me because I have heard it my whole life from my family and my unfortunate history of dating cis men and because these men are lazy. They give up on trying without actually trying at all. I am also an exceptional gift GIVER so there is that aspect as well.

My point is I am not hard to buy for. Saying so puts the blame on ME for understanding myself and my aesthetic as well as I do and I refuse to take the blame for knowing myself really well. I will not apologize for my attention to detail for what I put on me or around me and for wanting what I want how I want it. There is ease in shopping for me if you talk to me and ask me questions. It doesn’t have to be a surprise and that’s ok too because of the reasons listed above. Small space, exquisite detail, etc. I would rather something I love and want than a gift just for the sake of a gift. Give me a budget and I will fill you up with things I adore. 

I don’t care how this makes me sound either. Don’t ask me what I want, receive a list, then give up because it is too much work. I am worth the fucking work and the time and the money if you have it. 

Live wild. Stay Gold.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

xx

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This is part of Effy Wild’s September 2021 blog along where I will muse wildly on life.

17 seasons later...

. I finally decided to give Grey’s Anatomy a try. Early adopter I am not. It started in 2005 lol. But I feel like I joined a secrete club because I finally know what Dr. McDreamy means. I am on ep 6 of season 1.

. Felt inspired and wrote my list about Wild Musings on Saturday night. Late. I love late night writing and I love this bit that I said as way if invitation : If you are ready to notice that the sun sets later all of a sudden and you have the urge to buy school supplies and you can suddenly see sunflowers over fence tops and the raccoon babies in your backyard are getting bigger and your fave tiktoker just hit 1 million and you re-watched all the Avenger movies and have thoughts and you never want your tan to fade and you are craving stews and chilis and big pots of soup then I invite you to join me on this tour and muse on your OWN life, one moment at a time.

. I said to someone today I will not buy from a white person who does not market from a anti capitalist and counter culture lens. With payment options and community care etc.

. people get a lot of satisfaction from their dissatisfaction. Baffles me. But I have unfriended and been unfriended from a few who live in it and it feels like a gift to myself. That peace.

. another bag of stuff to the thrift. That is 6 trips so far.

. I took myself up to Brentwood yesterday to see the renos and H & M had the Renee collection. ON SALE. This is why I peek at trends. for moments like these.

. Took Mike out for a birthday breakfast yesterday and it was (mostly) really nice. We are trying.

. I am obsessed with Glow Up n Netflix. These MUA’s have so much talent and amazing style and I am getting secret messages like crazy.

. Feels like fall today which is too early to feel that way.

. something something maybe?

***

Wild Musings welcome email goes out this Sunday and first prompt is Monday. You can read all the glorious details HERE. Join me?

Secret Messages...

. i deleted all the games from my phone and just kept my colouring app and I find secret messages from the photos all the time. This one came exactly when I needed it.

. I also left a bunch of groups where my pain points were always being pressed and I never felt good. Lots of fomo and feeling poor and just general ick. I feel SO much better without those in my feed all the time.

. I chose me.

. Its cool and rainy today but this province needs it. I have two friends on evac watch and it’s so scary.

. day 3 yesterday of purging stuff I am actively using. It’s not like space and ease are not available here and in my life because they are but I am just feeling the need for more of both. I did that huge purge and it was fantastic but energy shifts and my space shifts with it. I sense something big coming my way so I am proactively getting ready and making space for it.

. space is my love language

. i have a no fail parallel parking method that i teach everyone that my dad taught me and it works every time.

. Mike is 55 today.

. Dr. Clara Mandrake is delightfully unhinged.

. I won’t.

***

One week until Wild Musings starts. 10 prompts to guide you i observing the beauty in your own life. find all the details here. xx

Pot Roast...

. Pot roast now has a collection of hats and obviously I am OBSESSED. her mom is hilarious and it never fails to make me laugh. I might send them a kitty wig. @potroastsmom on TT

. does Lola need hats?

. third day in a row I purged stuff I was actively using and dropped it at the thrift. Today was a bunch of linens. Came home with a macrame wall hanging, a brand new with tags duvet cover, a Leonard Cohen book of poems, and a gold bathing suit cover up that is probably 1970’s. all under 30 dollars. I love a good deal.

. hunting for a deep covet I forgot about and never even pinned but it showed back up today and I wonder if i will find it. I usually do.

. that call from the doctor was probably a referral to a new surgeon. thinking about how many people said to me “how could you let that happen?” about my breast reduction surgeon and that question has always baffled me. I was under anesthetic and asleep when it happened. Will forever think about the number of people that said that and similar things.

. Effy told me to let go today. Without claw marks. Sigh.

. making headway on getting the place back up to snuff. actually emptied the dw this morning and cleaned the kitchen whiile coffee was brewing. the routine/ritual is so needed.

. sun salutations. (auto correct changed it to sun SLUTutations and I almost left it) first time in forever. does your body remember cause I think mine has ghosted.

. it will be a smaller intimate group this time I think.

. “I heard stories from my mother's mother who was an American Indian. She was spiritual, although she did not go to church, but she had the hum. She used to tell me stories of the rivers.” - Tina Turner

***

Come do these for ten days and really be in your life one moment at a time! It will change how you see things and remind you of what you want, what you forgot, and what is perfection right here, right now. Read all about the Wild Musings tour HERE. xx

She would be 91...

. she would be 91 today. I miss her all the time. sometimes it’s hard to breathe for the missing and Mike and I are in a space and it’s family weird feelings all around. She was my biggest fan and my harshest critic. We didn’t always see eye to eye but we loved each other deeply and always had something to talk about and we laughed a lot.

. began at the beginning with a few things today. It feels ‘whelming but I have to start somewhere.

. donated a bunch more stuff even though I have room and did use some of it but there is something about a purge that feels good.

. and there is good stuff everywhere

. old time frock n roll

. I wonder if you lower your standards, do they ever rise up again?

. doctors office called again and she said I need a height and weight. I said 5”7” and 8 pounds. Which is Lola’s weight. She didn’t say I need YOUR height and weight and she didn’t think it was as funny as I did. She said it was for a referral to a doc and they need it on their form and couldn’t tell me why. So I made one up cause I honestly have no idea. which just proves my point that it doesn’t fucking matter.

. soon

. DVT - my nemesis

***

Love these? I am doing a 2 week course with ten prompts that will have you looking at your life one moment at a time. Sign up and read all about it HERE. xx

Haus Labs...

. Haus Labs had 30% off for their two year anniversary with free shipping and a FREE LIPGLOSS so I treated myself to a lip stain and an eyeshadow quad and they arrived and they are DIVINE. from the matte black ombre packaging to the product themselves I knew they would be. It’s Lady Gaga. Of course it is.

. I tried. I always try. But I might need a break cause I never come off feeling heard or loved.

. how do you be in relationship with someone that you love loves but you don’t trust at all.

. my entire apartment smells like tea tree because I have a fruit fly issue and I saw Starr say that they can live in your drains and to put vinegar, tea tree, and baking soda in your drain and then pout a kettle of boiling water on it. I did the kitchen and bath sink and the tub and I hope it works cause those fuckers make me mental but I love a good home remedy and I wish i had that kind of knowledge. I am always fascinated by it.

. My S.O. held my soul on ft last night, then Snarls stopped by and Effy this morning let me talk and if I am nothing else I am someone who has incredibly loving friendships. I have always been that way and my loyalty to my loves is unwavering. hashtag blessed.

. also because i got my feelings hurt a few weeks ago I have had zero capacity for my house and now it is gonna take me a full day to dig it out. My usual cleaning plan is I do something daily that takes 15 mins to 1/2 hr and since I have very little stuff there is ease there. But my bathroom needs doing and I haven’t swept in over a week and all my clean laundry is still sitting in my laundry bag and my floors need washing and that is what depression does. It leaves just enough bandwidth to be brilliant at my work and the rest is spent laying on the couch watching comfort shows til 2 am feeding my feelings.

. having said that I bought a 9 dollar scrubber with a handle that I saw on #cleantok because my fucked up knee does not like me kneeling to wash the tub and I am super excited to try it.

. purged some bowls and dishes that didn’t need purging and dropped them off at the thrift and it made me feel like i did something good for myself.

. Is it time to build myself a little bar again? i am a child of the cocktail generation and depending on covid maybe i will have people over this fall. hmmmm

. Obsessed with Gerald the silverback gorilla on Tony Bakers voice overs.

***

If you love these and want to begin doing them I am offering a two week course with ten prompts to get you musing wildly. It’s very cathartic to be in your life one moment at a time. You can read all about it and sign up on the wild musings page.