1. Spring. That first cherry blossom sighting in Vancouver means I survived another damp winter where my bones ached and I felt mouldy and I live for that first one pink bloom every.single.year.
2. My Familiars. I have a love for them that I don't feel for anything else in my life. It was a choice to not have kids and it is a choice to have these kids with fur. I hate the narrative that tells me that I don't know unconditional love til I have kids because I don't believe that. I love these cats like I birthed them from my loins and I love them unconditionally. I love a lot in an unconditional way actually. These familiars become a part of me and only adopting special needs senior black cats is also a choice but I have such a soft spot for the unwanted and the damned and the unloved I believe that if I chose them and said this is your forever for as long as you are here then *I* need to be here for you as well.
3. After. I believe in the good life that comes after. After the phone call, after the news, after the loss and I don't believe it in a spiritually bypassing way because all those things change you in a really permanent way but there is a core part of me that really believes that there is an after. Somehow.
4. Faith. See above. And not in a religious way but where I lose hope I don't lose faith. At least not in a permanent way. Something, some secret message, always presents itself right when i need it to keep the faith.
5. Intense curiosity. It's why I stare at people til my friends elbow me to stop staring and why I love personal stories and why I make up fictional back stories about people I don't know. I want to know because I think people are really fucking interesting when they are themselves at their most natural just living their lives and loving what and who they love and I am here for that and want to make space for that in a world that gives social capital to influencers and lifestyle experts because I do not find those people interesting. I am way too cynical now to buy into that.
6. Stories. See above. I love stories and I think we need to change how we respond to them because the ones that get the most feedback are the ones that bleed and I know we have others because my friends and loved ones tell them and there are random comments I see that are so delightful and delicious and I know that wellness has created a culture of trauma bonding which I think has it's place for sure in a witness and understanding way but I shared a memory from 7 years ago yesterday asking who told me about their fish that committed suicide and the responses this time were as engaging as last time and why is no one talking about the weird stuff like the fish that jumped out of the bowl or the waitress at the coffee shop who looked like your mom. you know?
7. Stubbornness. I am not here for you but don't think I will leave cause of you. Also, fuck you. (they know who they are)
8. Adventure. I gave a lot of those opportunities up for families and jobs and I am 53 now and it's not adrenaline stuff. I don't want to jump out of a plane or scale a majestic mountain but I do want to go to Iceland and Belgium and put my feet where my ancestors were and there are waterfalls to see and one day I will have sex again and there is the world's largest yard sale on my calendar and winters in Mexico and can I still go to space camp at my age hmmm and the Rose bowl flea and a concert at the Hollywood Bowl and there are porches and stoops to sit on face to face with people I only know online while we tell stories of love and loss and lust and longing and I have never been to Paris and they have a famous flea market and the grand bazaars in Morrocan and Intanbul and there are dive bars and diners and cheap motels where my people gather and pools to lay by and love to have and cats to rescue and gardens to plant and that is all adventures I still want to have.
9. Love. I have it and I want more of it.
10. Life. I don't need to be here for family or children or spouse or my job. I gave so much of the first 50 to that. I just want to be here to live my life in the way I want with the people I want. That's enough.
This is my response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary question “in this moment and your lifetime, what are the things that have made you live and choose to live?”
If you like musing on your life and who you are I highly recommend Isabel’s writing sanctuaries that happen every few months. You can find out more here.
If you want to discover the enchantment + delight in your life and the practical magic that surrounds you I invite you to join us for BEWITCHED. It will be a fantastic summer program. I am so excited.
(day 23 of Effy’s blog along)