There is this...

1. It is lilac season and if I had a lilac tree I would leave a note on it saying "help yourself to a bouquet but please leave enough for others" because lilacs should be shared and we don't all have our own tree.

2. I will take my small but important business without a marketing plan, or posting nudes, or a social media manager and I will keep creating things that ask people to be in their lives and seek out happiness and change and enchantment in a way that celebrates who we are at our most natural selves and I will invite in enough people that get me and are invested in me - invested having many nuances - in a way that I can meet myself and my love languages fully. I do want enough people for the IG swipe up feature but I want that lowered to 2000 because I want engagement and communion.

3. I am friends with an amazing Indigenous woman on FB and she made a post the other day about her spiritual practice that went right through me and landed in places that needed filling. With her permission I am sharing a piece -

"How I walk, the medicines I use, when (and even how) I pray - more wandering thought than structured ritual. Gently is how we greet the earth, gratitude how we harvest. The moon hears me both dark and light. My relationship with the water not cleansing baptism, but stirring depths. I am my grandmother's daughter and she was the ancient disguised as propriety, building bridges, braiding responsibility between the kept, and the lost and the necessary until one is unreachable without the other.

No altars. No tools.

Speak into being, be careful, be kind.

Know who you are. Know who you come from.

Know you are never alone."

and it was the reassurance I didn't even know I needed. I do a prompt called Wild Altars Everywhere on tour and it is confusing to some because we all have an image, an idea, of how our spiritual practices and corresponding spaces SHOULD look and then we wonder if we are getting it right. And there has been something in me for a long time seeking permission so I have made some changes. M wild altars are my text messages with friends and my kimono collection. They are the rosaries hanging everywhere and my chaotic plant vignettes. I have given MYSELF permission and removed all apps like the pattern and co star and anything that had me looking for a sign. Except my moon app cause those mesages are hilarious. "No altar. No tools." Just me trusting in my decisions and my gut and loving what I love and that does include tarot cards but i use them for secret messages and not readings and it has really freed me up. If an account pops up on my feed that I followed that is spiritual advice I unfollow because I want to see where this goes and what I know. The only thing I am sticking with is astrology because it is a new found fascination but not in a way to tell me who I am. I know who I am.

4. I didn't say you can't sit with me. I said I am sitting over there and you didn't want to come. This is the summary of most of my friendship endings that last few years.

5. The biggest thing I learned this year while doing my own purge after That Guy left and researching for a possible tour is that people build a wall of stuff - literal stuff - to protect themselves and hide behind - in grief, as a result of poverty trauma, because spending is how they manage depression or anxiety or feel worthy - and when they need to see the light again it's whelming because they don't know what is important out of all of it. It's true for me and my spaces and that constant question of "how did I get here?" as I was purging. I won't go back and I am so grateful for the work i put into that

6. I want to sell vintage again but the above has me a little freaked out. I don't have the space for a store. I don't want the clutter of inventory and shipping supplies etc. But I do miss it because I have a knack for finding the BEST stuff - its a superpower - and I can't keep it all. Ultimately I want to get to the point where I see it and acknowledge it and leave it for someone else. But that's not exactly easy to do every time and I wish I could afford to just send tons of random prezzies out all the time and the going back and forth on this is getting exhausting. I need to just make a decision if its a yes or no.

7. I was chatting with a friend today and we were celebrating something big that happened for her and I said "it's amazing how focused you can be when you remove men from your life" and isn't that the truth! It wasn't until I typed it to her that I realized it was true for me. Since That Guy is out of my life and home and I chose celibacy and no pandemic dating and ultimately chose ME it's shifted everything from my bank account to my anxiety to how I care for myself cause it's just me. No one is seeing me naked, no one has expectations - physically or otherwise - of me that I feel I fail at because I am how I am. There is more here but it was a moment I wanted to acknowledge.

8. I am still having a hard time healing. I hate it when my house is a disaster but I am letting it go.

9. I have plans. Things on the calendar this year and next - work and personal - that I am REALLY looking forward to and in the last 5 and especially 2020 I realize how much I missed that feeling and I am glad I did what I did and put off what I did. Other than my Sigourney healing and upcoming dental work I might be content and I am just gonna sit and bask in that for a while.

10. It is snowing pink petals all over my hood and I can’t get enough of it.

Musings are a response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (again).

day 30 of Effy’s blog along)

Eliminating....

1. Diet culture. The fact that it is so common to discuss and comment on weight is not ok. Ijeoma Oluo made a post years ago about how even commenting or liking posts on intentional weight loss played into diet culture and she made a pact to stop and invited people to stop with her and I took that on and it was one of the best things i did for my own un-programming of the life long fuckery diet culture and a mother who was INVESTED in it has lived in me and also my own integrity. It is spring so diets and fasting and the covid 40 are ALL OVER my feeds especially the wellness people and there is a disconnect there I can't get past because the very women they claim to empower are reading that shit. I am not against intentional weight loss because I think we know ourselves better than other people do so we know what we need from ourselves but the mixed messaging will fuck people up and isn't in time in this year of Lola 2021 that folks talk about something else? Every seemingly innocent comment or post has a far reaching effect and it needs to stop.

2. Body positivity. I think white women have co-opted this in a way that isn't helpful and dismisses the people who it was designed for in the first place and I also think that there is something to loving the vessels that house us. I don't love everything about my body but I also don't hate my body and that's ok. I can feel super sexy and still wish I didn't have my mothers knees. I can be in love with my aging and still miss my strong jaw. I am actually pretty grateful for this body I have but it's not all positive. It just is and that's ok.

3. The narrative around no one will love you until you love yourself. I find this very damaging. The people who love me love me when I am at my worst and they snatch me and ask questions before I do myself or anyone serious harm. And the things that people say about us to hurt us with intention are the things we take on and start to hate but I know from my own experience and how I love others that those so called hateful things are the very things I love most. We are not meant to do it alone and I will allow people to love me ESPECIALLY when i don't love myself.

4. The makeover story that leads to a marketing pitch that always begins with "this is a very vulnerable post for me". We do not need to prove how we bled for and suffered and sacrificed in order to make what we create sellable and how about you don't manipulate me with that opening statement. I believe our stories are an integral part of how we become but so much is left out of that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps discussion that makes people who do not achieve the same results wonder what they have done wrong. Maybe these people aren't making it because you left out how you are 100% financially supported by your parents or how it was sex work that kept a roof over your families head or because you are white and thin or because your husband was a fireman or because rents are sky high in your city and the same "chances" are not possible. Let's find another way to invite people to our stuff that tells the whole story and ALSO understand it's ok to say this is my life and it in complex and I contain multitudes and sometimes evolution back to ourselves and into the now is not always a 24/7 painful and debilitating deep dive but can also be more like floating peacefully on your back and occasionally treading water while you figure shit out and there can be as much laughter as there are tears and for those painful deep dive instructors are you REALLY qualified to handle deep trauma and abuse just because you changed your own life and moved out of shitty circumstances? I have weathered some serious shit and I am somewhat trauma informed but in no way am I qualified to TREAT it.

5. Internet fights. In my peri meno rage phase and the Trump era and all the police brutality and covid and ableism I got in so many fights with people who had ZERO interest in unpacking their misogyny, white privilege, white supremacist delusion (nod to Sonya Renee Taylor for that term), anti vax, covid denying, blue lives all lives not all men rhetoric and these people were TROLLS. They lived to start these arguments and I played into that way more than I should have and it for sure had an effect on me. I will speak to what changed me that I have learned and believe and unpacked myself in case it helps other people because people doing that helped me learn but I won't respond to trolls who are there to ONLY devils advocate and I will always show up and come for people when you ask me to log in and fight for you like I did with the Rachaels and if someone in community with me responds directly TO me and needs snatching like Rhian did because harm is being done and on that I have been and will be snatched myself and it's always for the greater good but random fights with trolls? Nope. Block and delete. They don't get my energy or attention.

6. Being strong and resilient when what I really need is to be soft and needy. Like with my sigourney bandages. I went to the wound care nurse and got the love and reassurance I needed. I talked to my doctor who said stop this is MAJOR surgery and it has an actual recovery time that will be longer for you based on your grapefruit sized hernia so why I am trying to write while on painkillers that make me a zombie or sit up when laying down doesn't cause the same pain or "get back to reality" when my reality is I just had major fucking surgery? This is something I am going to be exploring more but I intend to leave it behind because I encourage new born kitten softness, fragility and neediness in my loved ones and tour kittens and clients so why the fuck would i deny myself the same? I am voice recording this into my phone from my bed cloud propped up on 47 pillows and it is fucking GLORIOUS and also ok right now in this moment because not sitting at my computer is what i NEED. god this is such a tough one for me but i am gonna figure it out so please snatch me if I am doing too much too soon.

7. Ignoring red flags and being pleasing to men. For those that know me this may seem odd but dating is one of the areas where I am not sure of myself at all. I can pull acres of comedic material from the dating process and I think that alone has saved me but there is still a ton of "how a woman should be" garbage that seems to fly front and centre in this dynamic of potential romantic partnership that doesn't really show up anywhere else in my life in such a damaging and profound way and I am still learning to trust myself in that area in so many ways. Also the majority of my experience has been with cis het white men who I am sadly STILL attracted to even though I basically live on lesbian tiktok and these men are a fucking problem all the way around. Writing this I think it might be an interesting sociological experiment to go online and see how I feel because it's been about 4 years and I have changed so much in that time and maybe I know more about myself than I am allowing for. hmmmm.I know it would be even funnier cause I have my sense of humour back but how would I FEEL. I might do it.

8. Right now I need to state somewhere I have to leave behind my love of dairy and lunch meats/sausages and how upset that makes me. Apparently I have developed an allergy to them or the nitrates don't mesh with my menopause but either way both affect my breathing and inflame my joints and ankles and fingers and wrists to a really painful place but oh my god I eat like I am an at a cocktail party and it's my very fave way of being and I am LOST. I also hate denying myself ANYTHING but it literally causes me pain right now. In remembrance of melted cheese and ham on great fresh bread with fresh tomatoes and coarse salt and pepper! Yogurt with fresh berries and raisin granola! All the pizzas all the time. Spicy sausage in a rose cream sauce with fresh pasta! Brie and fig and turkey sandwiches! CHARCUTERIE! I will think of you all fondly. You will never be forgotten. And hopefully one day I will come back to you. Just remember it's not you. It's me. I love you forever.

9. Balance. No. It's a lie. Doesn't exist with my brain and my love of obsession and rabbit holes and being both a morning person which is new but also a lifetime night owl. Balance can bite me. I spent years looking for it thanks to the wellness community I was becoming a part of and letting it go was sweet glorious freedom.

10. Relevance. I am still sorting this one out and it's very complex but i wanted to place it somewhere.

Musings are a response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (again) - I highly recommend you take them when offered. x

(Day 29 of Effy’s blog along)

I am waiting for...

1. Season 4 of Yellowstone because I am channeling Beth Dutton as a muse and I NEED to know what is next in that series.

2. I love the poem in this prompt. The THIS. I live so much in the THIS of my life and realizing that today in a really deep way makes me really happy.

The Gate
By Marie Howe

I had no idea that the gate I would step through
to finally enter this world

would be the space my brother's body made. He was
a little taller than me: a young man

but grown, himself by then,
done at twenty-eight, having folded every sheet,

rinsed every glass he would ever rinse under the cold
and running water.

This is what you have been waiting for, he used to say to me.
And I'd say, What?

And he'd say, This—holding up my cheese and mustard sandwich.
And I'd say, What?

And he'd say, This, sort of looking around.

3. I found a new to me Johanna Lindsey paperback at the thrift and I was surprised because I thought I had read everyone she ever wrote and I am waiting until Sigourney's scar is healed enough to sink into the bathtub and read it for hours.

4. I am taking all the colours from a peacock feather and applying them to feature walls in my apartment and that sharp clear green is next. Maybe behind my bed or one wall in my studio. Excited to go to the paint store with my feather and find it.

5. I miss holding hands with someone. That Guy and I held hands all the time. I have actually never had a BF that wasn't a hand holder and I won't. It's a non negotiable for me and I do not give a fuck at how difficult that makes me sound.

6. How my ankles look has become the litmus test of what my body needs more and less of and it's only since peri meno and it's fascinating to me.

7. I posted a while ago asking why no one knits all black afghans and how this could be a thing for people like me and my neighbour and friend across the street is knitting me one and she texted the other day and said iti is half done! Took her awhile to find the yarn because I can't have angora, wool, alpaca, mohair, or certain types of cashmere lol.

8. We had that week that felt like summer and then the rain came back so I am waiting for the sun. I feel like I am ALWAYS waiting for the sun and the heat. It's my deepest longing I think.

9. I really love how much space I have. There is something so freeing about no clutter of any kind and it's not minimalism because I love layers and I think minimalism is one of those things that is celebrated if you are rich and mocked if you are poor much like van life or RV life is but this is space from the purge of what doesn't meet me where I am right now. Purge of actual stuff and digital stuff and relationships and expectations of me. I get to just be in this space and I created it and it feels so good.

10. My to do list that I have to make for my brain to function that I write on the inside cover of my planner has only a few things left on it and when I began my re-entry from debilitating grief and pain and surgeries that list was so whelming. It was a list that went above my normal work and living. But now it's finish taxes and finish dental work and ship the packages and find a good accounting/budgeting app and source a new vaccuum that lola nd I won't kill with our fur and this is all nothing compared to that list of previous years and actually seems doable. Crossing Sigourney off it was a MOMENT because that bitch has been carried over on a few planners.

Musings are from Isabel’s writing sanctuary Begin (Again).

(day 28 of Effy’s Blog along)

Attention...

1. My loves and I notice the tiniest details in images of style and decor and we send them back and forth and it's so funny how we all usually pick the same one seemingly insignificant detail - like Lizzo and her tiny purse ( SO significant to the overall feel) - that makes or breaks the "look" but we are detail people and we know that no detail is insignificant and then we break down the entire look and convey our own opinions and send more images back and forth like it should be more like this or this is perfection and that corner needs this like we are forensic experts performing an autopsy to find clues and I love the attention we pay to such things. Not in a bad way more in a "we are in love with our own taste" way. It's a hobby.

2. Sometimes Lola sleeps next to me and puts her back leg over my arm. It was something Len did and I wonder if she is channeling him and no matter how much I want to move my arm I won't because I love the slight weight and the feel of her fur and it's rare so when it happens it feels like the most extra special kind of attention from her.

3. When people send me memes or tiktoks or tag me in articles it feels like I am loved and that just being me in the way I obsess out loud over what I love is ok. I don't care if I am tagged 47 times in the same thing because each time it's like a little love letter from someone.

4. I am a virgo and I swim in details. It's my most favorite place to be and it's not a perfectionist thing as in it's never good enough but more like a bone knowing thing like my new blue walls. I gathered all the blues samples that seemed to be in the right family of blues and we took them to the garden centre and held them up to the light and I knew in a millisecond which one was THE ONE. This knowing is reflected in my work and my wardrobe and my home and it feels like the most delicious devotion to pay attention and trust and then add and remove and change things that I am probably the only one it matters to but it invites and evokes an over all feeling I can't get enough of and with my new constant companion of anxiety the ability to make these snap decisions and TRUST them is sorely needed for my self esteem right now and I always tell my kittens to find one thing you are sure of and do more of that because that is gorgeous self loyalty.

5. Attention with feeling is directly related to where my shoulders sit in regards to where my ears are and how warm my ears are getting. If they are level with my ears or my ears are hot I should probably leave or log out or say it clearly before I aim for the throat because shit is about to go down and sometimes it needs to because my rage is holy as are my feelings so the ears and shoulders is always a sign that I am not where i want to be and something is happening that I need to address.

6. It's early as I write this and the coffee maker just gave it's final gurgle that signals it's ready and I am like Pavlov's dog with that sound.

7. Today is the day I am supposed to remove the bandages from Sigourney and I am anxiously awaiting 9 am to call the clinic and have it done by the wound care nurse because fuck being strong and resilient. I am terrified. When I had my breast reduction the written instructions said remove the bandages using a mirror to see the sides and under boob and wash the areas and the only hand mirror I had was a 17x magnifying one and that prick of a surgeon did not prepare me for what I was about to see MAGNIFIED 17 TIMES and even with a regular mirror I would not have been ready and i had a complete breakdown in the shower and That Guy had to come in and clean the sutures and rescue me from there because I started crying so hard he ran from the living room and banged on the door and now I can't take bandages off by myself so the attention I will give myself today is to have someone else do it and reassure me everything is healing as it should. (edit - I have an appt at 230 today)

8. I didn't get to see the pink moon but I felt it. I hate it when it is cloudy because my windows face south and I like to lie in bed and watch her while i talk to her but I know mama moon is working her magic behind the clouds but I miss that face to face attention.

9. I will give my plant babies attention later today. They have been completely ignored this past week as I spent so much of it in bed and I am sitting here looking at them and I can feel their judgement of my neglect. It's cloudy AGAIN so i don't have to worry about watering them in the heat of the day. I'll putter as my aunt used to say when she tended her plants.

10. So much life stuff needs my attention today. Her medication needs renewing and I have to go pick that up and laundry is piling up but I have no loonies so I need to go to the bank and the dishwasher needs emptying from last weekend but bending down hurts and I have packages to mail and I have no groceries and I did not sweep yesterday and most importantly the Full Bush Tour and BEWITCHED need my attention and this is the stuff of living alone and working solo that feels whelming right now in a way that it usually doesn't. Was my surgery only a week ago? Fuck things pile up fast when I CANNOT give my work and home the devotion that makes it run smooth with my love languages of space, ease, and simplicity fully intact. I have a system that works for me that has no shoulds or supposed to's attached but honours myself and how I like things to be (those details again) and is directly in line with my love languages and my independence and I love living alone and have created an easily run sanctuary for myself here and in my work that reflects my health challenges and the rest I require and my friends have been helping but they have lives and real life needs to start again at some point and the dishes and laundry can wait obviously but it will just take longer the longer it waits but things like getting her pills can't and my work can't and the plants can't and I do need some food which maybe I will treat myself and spend the recovery tax and have THAT part delivered. It feels like a lot in a life that usually feels like ease.

Todays musings are in response to the question “what is the quality of your own attention” from Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary.

(Day 27 of Effy’s blog along)

Today I Will...

1. I will vignette today. I have 3 floating shelves in the space I have claimed as my studio and I have a few new things I want to add like a vintage tiger ashtray which will hold my crystals that I forgot to put out for mama moon last night. It takes time for spaces to tell me how they want to be styled.

2. I will attempt to sweep today if it feels right. Fern leaves and incense ash and cat fur and lane dust that sneaks in because her majesty must always have the door open but I am told not to use my ab muscles, assuming there are muscles there, and apparently our abdomens are used to do EVERYTHING.

3. I will purchase today because i am tempted to get myself something new and amazing to arrive in the mail and I my fave ever slip dress from Shein is worn so much I need a backup and I feel there might be a 4 dollar pair of earrings to come with it and maybe something else that is small and inexpensive. Also this is a sign of my dissatisfaction with my healing process.

4. I will coffee all day like I do every day.

5. I will pine. Because I cannot pick her up yet and hold her floofy little body on my chest with our hearts together and cuddle her while she purrs.

6. I will create practical magic and real life enchantment for BEWITCHED and I will wear a fabulous Endora robe with my unwashed hair while doing it.

7. I will (hopefully) write a gorgeous and engaging prompt on muses for the Bush kittens because we are in the style portion of the spring session and i have them pinning inspo and creating mood boards and in a few weeks we will analyze it all like private detectives and pull out the feelings and then relate that to style and adornment.

8. I will delete a few people who are testing me with their hustle and go big or go home and Gary V type of empowerment but make it pretty and girl bossy and attach a bleeding story of how it USED to be for them because I find it completely unempowering and massively annoying which I assume is the exact opposite of how they want me to feel so I must free us both of that energy.

9. I will go stand in my tiny closet and visit my clothes that i have not been able to wear and whisper soon my pretties soon to them and touch them lovingly and remind myself that I have mad style because I have been in the same tank dress for 5 days.

10. I will rest. Because i just had major surgery and I need to remember that it was major surgery and I will curse that anesthesiologist and wish I had the real magic to hex him but I don't, I only have practical magic so may his fitted sheets forever flip off the corners of his bed and may his ice cube trays forever be empty and may he never get a full erection again and may his socks always slide under his heel and may he somehow end up on a no fly list and may he never find a parking space and may he always be in the slow checkout lane and may he be rejected by a woman he really likes because he DOESN'T FUCKING LISTEN TO WOMEN WHEN THEY TELL HIM THINGS. May it be so.

Musings are in response to Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary and the question “what will you do today?”

(day 26 of Effy’s blog along)

In This Moment..

1. Spring. That first cherry blossom sighting in Vancouver means I survived another damp winter where my bones ached and I felt mouldy and I live for that first one pink bloom every.single.year.

2. My Familiars. I have a love for them that I don't feel for anything else in my life. It was a choice to not have kids and it is a choice to have these kids with fur. I hate the narrative that tells me that I don't know unconditional love til I have kids because I don't believe that. I love these cats like I birthed them from my loins and I love them unconditionally. I love a lot in an unconditional way actually. These familiars become a part of me and only adopting special needs senior black cats is also a choice but I have such a soft spot for the unwanted and the damned and the unloved I believe that if I chose them and said this is your forever for as long as you are here then *I* need to be here for you as well.

3. After. I believe in the good life that comes after. After the phone call, after the news, after the loss and I don't believe it in a spiritually bypassing way because all those things change you in a really permanent way but there is a core part of me that really believes that there is an after. Somehow.

4. Faith. See above. And not in a religious way but where I lose hope I don't lose faith. At least not in a permanent way. Something, some secret message, always presents itself right when i need it to keep the faith.

5. Intense curiosity. It's why I stare at people til my friends elbow me to stop staring and why I love personal stories and why I make up fictional back stories about people I don't know. I want to know because I think people are really fucking interesting when they are themselves at their most natural just living their lives and loving what and who they love and I am here for that and want to make space for that in a world that gives social capital to influencers and lifestyle experts because I do not find those people interesting. I am way too cynical now to buy into that.

6. Stories. See above. I love stories and I think we need to change how we respond to them because the ones that get the most feedback are the ones that bleed and I know we have others because my friends and loved ones tell them and there are random comments I see that are so delightful and delicious and I know that wellness has created a culture of trauma bonding which I think has it's place for sure in a witness and understanding way but I shared a memory from 7 years ago yesterday asking who told me about their fish that committed suicide and the responses this time were as engaging as last time and why is no one talking about the weird stuff like the fish that jumped out of the bowl or the waitress at the coffee shop who looked like your mom. you know?

7. Stubbornness. I am not here for you but don't think I will leave cause of you. Also, fuck you. (they know who they are)

8. Adventure. I gave a lot of those opportunities up for families and jobs and I am 53 now and it's not adrenaline stuff. I don't want to jump out of a plane or scale a majestic mountain but I do want to go to Iceland and Belgium and put my feet where my ancestors were and there are waterfalls to see and one day I will have sex again and there is the world's largest yard sale on my calendar and winters in Mexico and can I still go to space camp at my age hmmm and the Rose bowl flea and a concert at the Hollywood Bowl and there are porches and stoops to sit on face to face with people I only know online while we tell stories of love and loss and lust and longing and I have never been to Paris and they have a famous flea market and the grand bazaars in Morrocan and Intanbul and there are dive bars and diners and cheap motels where my people gather and pools to lay by and love to have and cats to rescue and gardens to plant and that is all adventures I still want to have.

9. Love. I have it and I want more of it.

10. Life. I don't need to be here for family or children or spouse or my job. I gave so much of the first 50 to that. I just want to be here to live my life in the way I want with the people I want. That's enough.

This is my response to Isabel’s writing sanctuary question “in this moment and your lifetime, what are the things that have made you live and choose to live?”

If you like musing on your life and who you are I highly recommend Isabel’s writing sanctuaries that happen every few months. You can find out more here.

If you want to discover the enchantment + delight in your life and the practical magic that surrounds you I invite you to join us for BEWITCHED. It will be a fantastic summer program. I am so excited.

(day 23 of Effy’s blog along)

Trailing thoughts...

1. I have a chin hair that is unpluckable and I don't know why it won't give way and come out. I rub my finger over it again and again and if it never gives I will tie a tiny diamond on it and say fuck it.

2. They canceled all "non-essential" surgeries in my province today and I cried. Because that means i got in just under the wire and because this surgery was canceled LAST March so I know the wait and I feel for everyone rescheduled. Non essential does not mean unnecessary. People are living in pain. I had to log off because the outrage was more about the travel restriction and people who could not go to their cabins than anything else. I wanted to respond to it all in all caps DON'T GO TO YOUR FUCKING CABINS AND INFECT SMALL COMMUNITIES WITH NO HOSPITALS but then I think they know that. They just don't care and I logged off and went back to bed.

3. I watched Beaches yesterday from my bed and I forgot that when the movie came out I was so obsessed with her tiny apartment on Avenue A that had the bathtub in the kitchen and was pink and green that I once had this studio apartment above a store and I painted all the trim emerald green like CC Bloom did and I sent a million screenshots to Stacy.

4. I am so gassy from my surgery that I am grateful I live alone. Although Lola seems incredibly unimpressed.

5. I miss the thrift. I haven't been all week. Maybe a lap through there for an hour would do me good. I just flipped another vintage chenille bedspread I got last Friday and Friday is when all the good linens come out. Maybe I can find and flip another one. I also bought a llama for no other reason than it made me laugh out loud. I named him Stanley and he lives under my fern.

6. I am embracing doing things for no reason other than they make me happy.

7. Not only am I gassy I am so itchy I want to rip my skin off. Isn't that always the way of any freezing or sedative or anesthetic? It leaves through my skin but I can't shower or bathe for a week. Only a whores bath for me. Is that still a term? Whore's bath.

8. <redacted for reasons that are not for public consumption>

9. I spoke too soon. The rain is back and Lola is curled up like a croissant on second branch and I have all the twinkle lights on and it's chilly in here but the coffee is warm and my slippers are soft

10. Someone told me “I manage all my dissatisfaction by spending” and it was like my life was put together. I can so relate. Hmmm.

These musings are in response to Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary.

(Day 22 of Effy’s blog along)

Before...

1. Before there was amazing beginnings and then dead stops powered by grief over and over and I wonder what it would look like if there had been no stops but I don't wonder it very much anymore because I am so proud of my body of work, now and then and what is coming.

2. Before there was him and the way he looked at me from the very first moment he met me and I knew and he knew and I miss his strong thighs and the way he held me down and held me up and there is always a tiny part of me that wonders would he have stayed here if I had stayed with him.

3. Before there was a studio with a raspberry pink chaise and a giant bed and fur rugs on the floor and twinkle lights and a claw foot bathtub and my laptop and no room and I came back to life there with a little familiar named Nigel who talked to the ghosts that lived with us then after he left there was another studio with the same chaise and bed and rugs and twinkle lights and laptop and only a regular tub but still no room and Nigel moved there with me and then he died and then 4 weeks later she died but I came home from a month with her to that little studio and 6 weeks later Len came along and I came back to life there in a different way. There is something about tiny studios and senior black cats and no room for anything but my thoughts that has healed me over and over and over and it's not space or light, it's the bed and the chaise and the tub and the familiars and my laptop. Every time.

4. Before there was high waisted vintage levi's and cut offs and palazzo pants and slinky slip dressed then there was Sigourney and nothing with a waistband and that lump in the dresses and my doc who just called to check on me said it was the size of his fist and now there is just swelling and redness and it will go down and maybe I will recognize my belly again and fall back in love with her without the alien. We have always had a complicated relationship. Me and my belly. There was always a little squishy pot below the belly button that took years to make peace with because I am not built in a way that beauty standards recognize but I found my peace and love for my outer belly finally and inside it carried all the stress and the rage and the uncertainty and the sadness and she rumbles and bloats and makes weird noises in protest if I do not honour her needs and I hear that is a virgo thing and I am not nor can I ever be an adventurous eater because my moody belly won't like that and since when is being a foodie a personality trait?

5. Before there was just me listening for secret messages, writing them down, moving them around like a game of tetris, coming up with a name, designing it with sticky notes, writing it all out and only contracting out graphics and now there is the easiest collab ever still with secret messages and a name that came before anything else and so much ease and deep laughter and trusting in the becoming with zero pressure or angst as we let ourselves just be and now there is a summer long pool party and we did what we have always wanted to do. We made our own Kellermans.

6. Before any of the tiny studios there was a tiny condo with a gorgeous view and just enough closet space and ideas that i didn't know existed but now live on my pinterest board and I wish someone had snatched me and said don't sell because you are grieving and this is why you want change and I want to talk you through that so you can stay here and when you are 50 you will be mortgage free in the vancouver real estate market and you will have so many choices available for your love of heat and sun but no one snatched me and I can't get over this particular what if no matter how hard I try.

7. and at the same time i know that before means I would not have met them or done that to have this and I love them and that i did that and I have this but there is still that tiny what if.

8. Before when the stops came about there was a Frock Shoppe in a heritage building in the heart of gastown and there was beautiful vintage clothes and a reason to get out of bed and put on mascara and lipstick and platforms and a gorgeous kimono and grab coffee on the way and the customers that shopped only on the days I worked and have become friends and great bosses and co-workers and it was easy and I sold a lot and did the windows every wednesday and I still have that to go back to cause I am still employed even though I am not there and that little shop kept a roof over my head in all the times grief and sadness and integrity would not stifle my creativity or allow me to take money from women if they were not getting the best of me and 8 years later it is a part of me that I am forever grateful for and the day I leave leave will be so much even though I am technically gone already but I think and I don't know if this is fear or lived experience that I still need that shop to fall back on.

9. Before there was heavy bleeding and tender boobs and every emotion in 3 days and then there was relief and period poops and free bleeding at night and I never thought I would miss that ritual, that cleansing, that reminder, but i do miss it because peri meno and meno is fuckery like i have never experienced and with my period I knew what to expect even though it changed as a I got older it was familiar. There is nothing familiar about this.

10. Before there was more tears than laughter and now the tears are still there but they are not as salty and don't burn quite so hard and the deep laughter comes so often it is starting to feel familiar and not foreign.

Day 21 of Effy’s blog along.

Day 3 of Begin Again with Isabel.

It is tulip season...

1. I got home from the hospital to the most gorgeous and colourful display of tulips in a stunningly perfect vase. My bestie said she ran into the thrift for a vase and this was the first one she saw. It's perfect with my black lacquer coffee table vignette. I love black accessories.

2. It really hit me coming home from the sterility of the hospital to the warmth of my apartment how amazing my home is. We watched the sky turn pink and then I lit all the twinkle lights and my faux fireplace and some candles and with my new midnight blue wall it was so cozy and I felt so much love for the me that created this sanctuary.

3. It's very weird to look down and not see a giant lump protruding from my stomach right beside my belly button. Even with the dressing and the swelling it is remarkably different and I can take deeper breaths than I could when Sigourney lived in me.

4. It's mid summer hot here like we jumped straight from winter and past the spring rain right into summer and I am living for it. I have a wee tan already and a few nose freckles and it's not even May. I'll take it.

5. There are moments I wonder what I will do with myself when my purge/redecoration is complete because I am sooooo close to being done and then I remember that I have grown up things like back taxes and dentist appts to fill up my time with.

6. I want to buy myself a goodbye sigourney prezzie but I don't know what to buy which is rare for me.

7. I just asked my magic 8 ball if this enchantment I am feeling for all things - my home, my work, my relationships - will continue and it said "outlook good".

8. I just read that Nancy Pelosi thanked George Floyd for his sacrifice of his life in the name of justice and I cannot believe how fucking stupid she is to say that. It wasn't a sacrifice. It was murder.

9. Asha made me a surgery care package and included a crystal that she charged for me. I love the woo shit and texted her that and she texted back I work with crystals and now I want to know more.

10. I really want to take a bubble bath but no baths for a few days.

(day 20 of Effy’s Blog along)

Day 2 of Begin Again writing sanctuary with Isabel. Join us for BEWITCHED.

What is right here....

1. I woke up early after going to bed late. Nerves. Waiting for a call with the time for tomorrow. I hate waiting. I got caught up on a bunch of things and changed my sheets and tidied up and I need to water my plants because I read somewhere it is best to water them in the morning or at night but not in the heat of the day and I took that in as truth without a fact check because it felt right and made sense to me.

2. I am out of coffee. How did that happen? I have to order from Tim Hortons so I might as well get a breakfast sandwich and a donut because it's Tim Horton's and I am casting off deprivation of anything the day before and in general.

3. My new midnight blue corner is giving me life. I love this part. The puttering. It needs some twinkle lights and I noticed the wings disappear on it at night so I think I will move them because they were the catalyst to so many things. Me flying. The colour scheme to my redecoration. Love for no reason. I don't want them to disappear at night.

4. Day 6 of no supplements and I feel like my skin is too tight. It feels itchy and stretched and inflamed and I want to crawl out of it and turn myself inside out and just be muscles and sinew and bone. Assuming there are still muscles there.

5. Even though it aggravated Sigourney I am so glad I cleaned off my balcony and organized it last weekend because now I am sitting out here in the sun with my just delivered coffee and the birds are chirping and the magnolia tree across the lane is in full bloom and Lola is surveying her queendom and the sun is hot and I missed that heat so much. This moment is worth the pain of last week.

6. six timbits is too many. I don't think you are supposed to be aware of your heartbeat but i am pretty sure I can fly right now.

7. I sent a reminder letter to the Bush kittens on saturday that our weekly call was not a replacement for therapy and people in extreme emotional response completely unrelated to the prompts needed to step out and tend to themselves with the support systems they have in place because that was not the format for me to hold them in that space nor was it the work of the other participants and that this was coaching and witness and communion NOT a designated therapy session and I had anxiety about it all night and then on the call I mentioned my anxiety and everyone there said they were grateful but especially the ones who are therapists and coaches because that reminder meant they didn't have to move into therapist mode and could just be and that made it all worth it and the call was great and we laughed a lot and talked about the prompts and the challenges and the celebrations.

8. There are pink and white tulips beside as I am back inside now cause my mashed potato white skin was burning and they were given to me by That Guy but when he gave them to me he said "I got something for the house" and I looked confused and said "the house?" and he pulled them out of the bag and said "the house because I know you love tulips" and I said "yeh *I* love tulips. My house doesn't have a flower preference so why are they for the house and not me?" and even though that is a shitty response to no reason flowers I wanted to know. He said they are for you and I don't know why I said that so I am still no closer to understanding.

9. I hoard vintage trays. I just added another one to my stash in the bottom of my broom closet. I can't sell them or purge them and i don't know why. I have no horizontal spaces for them to use for vignettes and I don't serve anyone cause I don;t entertain but i like knowing they are there. It's weird.

10. I am sitting here waiting for the doc to call with my surgery time for tomorrow and I just found out my cell phone provider is down for some reason. Like the entire fucking network is down. I found this out because they called my brother who is with a diff network and is my emergency contact and he emailed me cause they have to give me a covid questionnaire so he couldn't just pass on the hospital check in time so he left set and drove over here with his phone. good thing they are filming close to my house. FUUUUCK.

(Day 19 of Effy’s Blog Along.)

I am in Isabel’s Begin Again Writing Sanctuary. It has started but join us for a summer of enchantment + delight in Bewitched.