1. My loves and I notice the tiniest details in images of style and decor and we send them back and forth and it's so funny how we all usually pick the same one seemingly insignificant detail - like Lizzo and her tiny purse ( SO significant to the overall feel) - that makes or breaks the "look" but we are detail people and we know that no detail is insignificant and then we break down the entire look and convey our own opinions and send more images back and forth like it should be more like this or this is perfection and that corner needs this like we are forensic experts performing an autopsy to find clues and I love the attention we pay to such things. Not in a bad way more in a "we are in love with our own taste" way. It's a hobby.
2. Sometimes Lola sleeps next to me and puts her back leg over my arm. It was something Len did and I wonder if she is channeling him and no matter how much I want to move my arm I won't because I love the slight weight and the feel of her fur and it's rare so when it happens it feels like the most extra special kind of attention from her.
3. When people send me memes or tiktoks or tag me in articles it feels like I am loved and that just being me in the way I obsess out loud over what I love is ok. I don't care if I am tagged 47 times in the same thing because each time it's like a little love letter from someone.
4. I am a virgo and I swim in details. It's my most favorite place to be and it's not a perfectionist thing as in it's never good enough but more like a bone knowing thing like my new blue walls. I gathered all the blues samples that seemed to be in the right family of blues and we took them to the garden centre and held them up to the light and I knew in a millisecond which one was THE ONE. This knowing is reflected in my work and my wardrobe and my home and it feels like the most delicious devotion to pay attention and trust and then add and remove and change things that I am probably the only one it matters to but it invites and evokes an over all feeling I can't get enough of and with my new constant companion of anxiety the ability to make these snap decisions and TRUST them is sorely needed for my self esteem right now and I always tell my kittens to find one thing you are sure of and do more of that because that is gorgeous self loyalty.
5. Attention with feeling is directly related to where my shoulders sit in regards to where my ears are and how warm my ears are getting. If they are level with my ears or my ears are hot I should probably leave or log out or say it clearly before I aim for the throat because shit is about to go down and sometimes it needs to because my rage is holy as are my feelings so the ears and shoulders is always a sign that I am not where i want to be and something is happening that I need to address.
6. It's early as I write this and the coffee maker just gave it's final gurgle that signals it's ready and I am like Pavlov's dog with that sound.
7. Today is the day I am supposed to remove the bandages from Sigourney and I am anxiously awaiting 9 am to call the clinic and have it done by the wound care nurse because fuck being strong and resilient. I am terrified. When I had my breast reduction the written instructions said remove the bandages using a mirror to see the sides and under boob and wash the areas and the only hand mirror I had was a 17x magnifying one and that prick of a surgeon did not prepare me for what I was about to see MAGNIFIED 17 TIMES and even with a regular mirror I would not have been ready and i had a complete breakdown in the shower and That Guy had to come in and clean the sutures and rescue me from there because I started crying so hard he ran from the living room and banged on the door and now I can't take bandages off by myself so the attention I will give myself today is to have someone else do it and reassure me everything is healing as it should. (edit - I have an appt at 230 today)
8. I didn't get to see the pink moon but I felt it. I hate it when it is cloudy because my windows face south and I like to lie in bed and watch her while i talk to her but I know mama moon is working her magic behind the clouds but I miss that face to face attention.
9. I will give my plant babies attention later today. They have been completely ignored this past week as I spent so much of it in bed and I am sitting here looking at them and I can feel their judgement of my neglect. It's cloudy AGAIN so i don't have to worry about watering them in the heat of the day. I'll putter as my aunt used to say when she tended her plants.
10. So much life stuff needs my attention today. Her medication needs renewing and I have to go pick that up and laundry is piling up but I have no loonies so I need to go to the bank and the dishwasher needs emptying from last weekend but bending down hurts and I have packages to mail and I have no groceries and I did not sweep yesterday and most importantly the Full Bush Tour and BEWITCHED need my attention and this is the stuff of living alone and working solo that feels whelming right now in a way that it usually doesn't. Was my surgery only a week ago? Fuck things pile up fast when I CANNOT give my work and home the devotion that makes it run smooth with my love languages of space, ease, and simplicity fully intact. I have a system that works for me that has no shoulds or supposed to's attached but honours myself and how I like things to be (those details again) and is directly in line with my love languages and my independence and I love living alone and have created an easily run sanctuary for myself here and in my work that reflects my health challenges and the rest I require and my friends have been helping but they have lives and real life needs to start again at some point and the dishes and laundry can wait obviously but it will just take longer the longer it waits but things like getting her pills can't and my work can't and the plants can't and I do need some food which maybe I will treat myself and spend the recovery tax and have THAT part delivered. It feels like a lot in a life that usually feels like ease.
Todays musings are in response to the question “what is the quality of your own attention” from Isabel’s Begin (again) writing sanctuary.
(Day 27 of Effy’s blog along)