1. Before there was amazing beginnings and then dead stops powered by grief over and over and I wonder what it would look like if there had been no stops but I don't wonder it very much anymore because I am so proud of my body of work, now and then and what is coming.
2. Before there was him and the way he looked at me from the very first moment he met me and I knew and he knew and I miss his strong thighs and the way he held me down and held me up and there is always a tiny part of me that wonders would he have stayed here if I had stayed with him.
3. Before there was a studio with a raspberry pink chaise and a giant bed and fur rugs on the floor and twinkle lights and a claw foot bathtub and my laptop and no room and I came back to life there with a little familiar named Nigel who talked to the ghosts that lived with us then after he left there was another studio with the same chaise and bed and rugs and twinkle lights and laptop and only a regular tub but still no room and Nigel moved there with me and then he died and then 4 weeks later she died but I came home from a month with her to that little studio and 6 weeks later Len came along and I came back to life there in a different way. There is something about tiny studios and senior black cats and no room for anything but my thoughts that has healed me over and over and over and it's not space or light, it's the bed and the chaise and the tub and the familiars and my laptop. Every time.
4. Before there was high waisted vintage levi's and cut offs and palazzo pants and slinky slip dressed then there was Sigourney and nothing with a waistband and that lump in the dresses and my doc who just called to check on me said it was the size of his fist and now there is just swelling and redness and it will go down and maybe I will recognize my belly again and fall back in love with her without the alien. We have always had a complicated relationship. Me and my belly. There was always a little squishy pot below the belly button that took years to make peace with because I am not built in a way that beauty standards recognize but I found my peace and love for my outer belly finally and inside it carried all the stress and the rage and the uncertainty and the sadness and she rumbles and bloats and makes weird noises in protest if I do not honour her needs and I hear that is a virgo thing and I am not nor can I ever be an adventurous eater because my moody belly won't like that and since when is being a foodie a personality trait?
5. Before there was just me listening for secret messages, writing them down, moving them around like a game of tetris, coming up with a name, designing it with sticky notes, writing it all out and only contracting out graphics and now there is the easiest collab ever still with secret messages and a name that came before anything else and so much ease and deep laughter and trusting in the becoming with zero pressure or angst as we let ourselves just be and now there is a summer long pool party and we did what we have always wanted to do. We made our own Kellermans.
6. Before any of the tiny studios there was a tiny condo with a gorgeous view and just enough closet space and ideas that i didn't know existed but now live on my pinterest board and I wish someone had snatched me and said don't sell because you are grieving and this is why you want change and I want to talk you through that so you can stay here and when you are 50 you will be mortgage free in the vancouver real estate market and you will have so many choices available for your love of heat and sun but no one snatched me and I can't get over this particular what if no matter how hard I try.
7. and at the same time i know that before means I would not have met them or done that to have this and I love them and that i did that and I have this but there is still that tiny what if.
8. Before when the stops came about there was a Frock Shoppe in a heritage building in the heart of gastown and there was beautiful vintage clothes and a reason to get out of bed and put on mascara and lipstick and platforms and a gorgeous kimono and grab coffee on the way and the customers that shopped only on the days I worked and have become friends and great bosses and co-workers and it was easy and I sold a lot and did the windows every wednesday and I still have that to go back to cause I am still employed even though I am not there and that little shop kept a roof over my head in all the times grief and sadness and integrity would not stifle my creativity or allow me to take money from women if they were not getting the best of me and 8 years later it is a part of me that I am forever grateful for and the day I leave leave will be so much even though I am technically gone already but I think and I don't know if this is fear or lived experience that I still need that shop to fall back on.
9. Before there was heavy bleeding and tender boobs and every emotion in 3 days and then there was relief and period poops and free bleeding at night and I never thought I would miss that ritual, that cleansing, that reminder, but i do miss it because peri meno and meno is fuckery like i have never experienced and with my period I knew what to expect even though it changed as a I got older it was familiar. There is nothing familiar about this.
10. Before there was more tears than laughter and now the tears are still there but they are not as salty and don't burn quite so hard and the deep laughter comes so often it is starting to feel familiar and not foreign.
Day 21 of Effy’s blog along.
Day 3 of Begin Again with Isabel.
