I don’t know about your friends but mine are hilariously weird and entertaining.

I received this text last night from <name redacted to protect the innocent> and I am sure you are wondering, like I was, what this could POSSIBLY be about.

Let me ASSURE you that in no way will you guess what happened next.

Wait…what? I have SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Her mother had a SECRET raccoon?

How do you determine the classification of a raccoon from public to secret?

The raccoon’s name was ROCKY?

Her mother just had surgery so how did this happen?

Did the raccoon come in the house?

Was the raccoon nursing her? Bringing soup, and tea, and finding the remote?

Were they watching reruns of Golden Girls together and The Price is Right?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

ROCKY DIED?

I didn’t even know this raccoon love affair was a thing (I am not sure my friend even knew) because surely she would have reported this before. Right? I need more details.

OBVIOUSLY.

STRESS. RELATED. SIDE. EFFECTS.

okaaaaay. whew. MORE QUESTIONS.

How did her mother know Rocky was stressed?

HOW???

Naturally I asked.

The question about Verbs is noteworthy and I will explain later.

How does stress show up in a racoon?

You wouldn’t be able to see the circles under their eyes. They already eat a lot of junk food. They kind of shuffle when they walk. They sleep during the day and are awake at weird hours.

NOTE: I know my friend’s mother and I can picture her saying in a completely normal voice, with a perfectly straight face “Rocky died of stress related side effects.”

RIP Rocky. cue music “my heart will go onnnnnnn”

This is strange but not THE strangest multiple choice test I have ever been a part of with this person.

Remember my questions about Verbs?

Verbs was a baby raccoon that was born in this same friends playhouse in her back yard one spring a few years ago. My friend let Mama nurse in there and made her a promise that she would keep them safe until babies were old enough to wander. Mama had a few babies and one of them was VERY VOCAL. So she named his Verbs for verbal and Verbs is now a legend in our cast of weird characters that we reference in ridiculous ways and blame everything on. Another is JIm. A very old sweaty Dachshund that lived on a boat next to hers but I digress.

Back to Rocky….

I really need the back story on this. I am already obsessed and I neeeed more details.

Right!?

You would ask wouldn’t you?

So I asked…..

Her response….

OMG.

What kind of texts do you get from YOUR friends? Are they normal? Newsy? Full of details?

Let’s recap shall we.

My friend’s mother’s neighbourhood raccoon Rocky died - may he rest - and has been laid to rest at White Rock beach..

He MAY have passed on to the great garbage bin in the sky due to STRESS RELATED SIDE EFFECTS resulting from the number of fake lawns in White Rock.

IF I HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS THEN SO DO YOU.

I am not carrying this information alone lol.

She refuses to call her mother back EVER for more details and the back story we all need.

I asked again anyway.

This is it. This is all she wrote.

I know this friend well. So well I call her sister.

Not only are her and her mom friends to urban wildlife they are stubborn AS FUCK.

There will (probably) be no more information coming our way.

She sent me this because she knows I live in the details and will be obsessed with the back story and she wants to torture me.

Rest assured dear readers I WILL pursue this further.

My friend won’t block ME. lol

I annoy her on the regular and one day I will tell you about my sock goat idea for craft night and wandering away at a flea market and giving Lola keys to her house and buying her Weiner dog salt and pepper shakers - all things that NEARLY got me blocked from her phone but so far I remain golden.

Say a little prayer for Rocky would you please.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Live wild. Stay gold.

Renee xx

(day 6 of Effy Wild’s blogalong)

PS - BEWITCHED is open for registration. Come be enchanted by everyday things.

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