4 - a reminder...

1 I was at my desk working and i heard the quietest little meow and I looked down and Lola was looking at me like this. I live alone now but not really. I needed that little reminder and that wee break to give her belly rubs.

2. This came up on my FB memories from 2016. “I have a really good feeling about this year (even though today I have some unease, planets or something) and I was telling Misty last night about it. She asked me why.

I said there is no way that 2016 will bring the ending of a decade long relationship and my mother and Nigel can't die twice so that eliminates the three things I couldn't possibly fathom surviving at the beginning of last year.

After I said it out loud I realized that I did survive those things. And I am really proud of the way I handled them. I need to acknowledge that more. I think I swam those stormy seas with as much grit, grace and humour as I possibly good.

We tend to forget to pat ourselves on the back for how we show up in this world sometimes. It wasn't always great but it was always raw and real and vulnerable and uniquely me.

I had a message from a wild one on New Years that said "you have this particular brand of self loyalty in one of the most honest ways I have ever seen." It took a minute to receive that but I am glad I did.

So here is to just being you in this new year. In case you needed the reminder. xo”

3. Last night I was reading in the bath when I heard Lola’s signature murder thump. But when I got out there was no body. And she didn’t bring me any “gifts”. I still wonder though….

4. Invited unsubs with a message to “go with love. Make this year about filling yourself up with only the things that satisfy you.” and unsubs are coming in. It got me thinking about the word “satisfy”. I am gonna dig into that for my life and see if I can define it. I am pretty sure I know what that feels like for me but it’s pinging me to look deeper. To be continued…

5. Calls for accountability that come from care go unchecked way more than they should.

6. I gave up sugar because of my meno inflammation and I live with a constant craving now. Not for sugar. For Chinese food. Explain THAT one to me.

7. “I have to assume that in the fullness of time, at least once, a mouse has used a mushroom as an umbrella. That’s enough to keep me going.” = The Cryptonaturalist GOD I LOVE HIM.

8. Farewell.

9. I feel like I need more water.

10. Some FB shenanigans today. I couldn’t let it go.

2 - Pink sky...

1 .Pink sky is my religion and mother nature DELIVERED last night for the first sunset of 2021. I was the one recording this time and i am glad I did because today it is monsoon raining and there is no light at all let alone a pink sky. So now I have this to remember until the clouds move.

2. Reporting the moving shenanigans to the East Van Witches cause I need to say it or I will choke.

3. Spend some time on Pinterest yesterday and I realized I have not been on there in forever. Went through my wildness board cause that is all me. Stardust and rock n roll and in there I am reminded of who I REALLY am. Going to make it part of my ritual again. Thought about digging into why I stopped pinning but really, I don’t fucking care why. This need to FIND OUT THE WHY that the wellness industry perpetuates is not doing us a lot of good. I tell the Bush Kittens all the time that sometimes going back to the root is necessary and sometimes it’s better to just say oh ok, we are here. acknowledge the realization and move on from THAT point. Caught myself in time and spent a few lovely moments reconnecting with my board images and pinning some new ones.

4. I watched a Melissa McCarthy movie called Tammy last night and she plays this angry confrontational woman and I get it but one of the characters quirks was every time she stomps off she knocks something down or off a counter. Like a bored cat. Makes eye contact and just flips it on the floor. I loved that character detail so much.

5. Someone in my local buy nothing group was bored and missing her family so she made her grandmothers pierogi recipe to cheer herself up and she said while making it she was thinking wow this is a lot of flour and a lot of this and that but didn’t connect it all until she read the second recipe card that is was a recipe to make 20 DOZEN pierogis so she was posting to gift a whole bunch and it made me laugh and I loved it. People came and got it them posted their pierogi dinner’s with a thank you.

6. I need to get graveyard dirt of a tombstone but it won’t stop raining. The EaVa witches are down for this adventure.

7. After the movie I read in the tub with lavender bubbles for an hour. Slathered my entire body with Karma body butter. Put a deep serum on my face. Checked the doors. Scooped Lola and went to bed in clean sheets. This is a MOOD I want to feel every day for the rest of my life.

8. I gotta say that even though the move is not done and I still am sorting the feelings waking up BY MYSELF in my home this morning with Lola’s little face beside me was FUCKING GLORIOUS. So was sleeping naked again.

9. The response to my musings love letter last night made me feel really really good. I was not expecting it but it felt amazing.

10. “70 BILLION dollars a year is spent on diet and weight loss products, which means there’s a price tag on shame. Even if you’re just stepping out to your five dollar blow up pool to sit and cry about murder bees, I hope you enjoy the water this summer.” ~ Kate Baer. @katejbaer — sometimes when I find someone who has words that fill the cracks in my soul I go to their page and do a fast flip to posts I might have missed that go way back and today this one came up. Adding her book to my wishlist.

1.1.2021 - The morning after...

1. I am adding the word clean to my love languages which currently include; space, ease, simplicity, and consistency. I want things to be clean. In the literal and metaphorical sense. If it’s not then I have work to do.

2. That Guy is moving out today. At my request about ten days ago. That is a longer story than I can/will tell on this platform but I will tell it. To be con’t….

3. I am to find the level of chill that Lola has in this photo. I don’t know if my constant and crippling anxiety is life related or meno related or if my mother who was the holder of all that for her life actually breathed it into me with her last breath on October 19, 2015. I miss chill me. Fighting the fights that need fighting and not stressing over every.little.thing. Bring Lola upside down second branch chill to me 2021. I am here.

4. I wanted to bring in the New Year with the sons of Ragnar but as usual it is not streaming on Prime in Canada. I don’t get it. We are not some remote wilderness but so many things don’t show up here. Including random news videos etc. “this is not available to stream in your location”. WTF. I live in Vancouver.

5. I took my road test yesterday and reclaimed a piece of myself. I am now a licensed driver again. I will tell you the story about how a $75.00 renewal fee in 2014 turned into a $2500.00 mindfuck by Dec 31, 2021. It’s a story about being poor and never getting ahead and how one corporation with a monopoly can fuck people over and there is not a goddamn thing you can do if you want what it offers. To be con’t…

6. I have so many stories to tell and with the upcoming space I will have I will finally have the capacity to tell them. I know people say they can write wherever however whatever is happening but I need the ritual and the space and the moonlight and I used to think because I couldn’t write on a bus I wasn’t a writer. But I am. I just need to do it my way.

7. Also, can we lose the THIS IS WHAT IT MUST LOOK LIKE mindset about everything. Art. Writing. Poetry. Love. Style. Work. I have BEEN over it but holy fuck I AM OVER IT. Especially after what last year proved us when it comes to “you can’t do it that way” but oh look now it affects everyone or famous so and so made it cool and now you CAN do it that way.

8. I am gonna paint my walls the colour of moonlight and one wall in the kitchen with black board paint and I wish you could all come paint with me and dance to old blues and rock while we do it then write secret messages for me on my blackboard wall before you leave. I would really love that.

9. Starting the Bush Kittens off with a post about titles and how we get to claim our own and I amaze myself at how this tour has been. The structure and the flow and the questions I am asking. I do really fucking good work. There will be MORE of it in 2021 with my love languages and the eyes of wild enchantment to guide me.

10. There was a sunrise a few mornings ago that was breathtaking. I savoured it and took no photos. I was just in the moment and I loved it. And I know when I log on I can relive it through others photos of it. Sometimes we need to be the ones recording the moment and sometimes we need to be in the moment and look for the recording later. I like being both. But that sunrise…reminded me the light is coming back. And that makes me happy.

94- 11.2

. I miss wearing jeans.

. I miss not being in 24.7 pain

. I hate my doctor

. my brother uses military time and I always have to count on my fingers to figure out what time he is talking about lol

. my left nipple has been sore and on and off itchy since my surgery. I need to summon the bandwidth to harass my doctor about that as well. fuck.

. noodling on a few potential collabs for the new year. excited

. another month went by and I didn’t find the bandwidth fro my patreon set up.

. daylight savings started literally yesterday and i am already over it.

. this is a very moody musings. hmph

92- 10-31

. practical magic is the prompt i am writing for FBT. this is where my witch adjacent side really comes out but i am going to get more into actual magic in 2021. re-joining Effy’s moonshine. gonna learn collage and have that be my medium.

. also want to learn some actual spells and such. revisit the divination and sigil magic courses I let slide due to my boob stuff.

. gotta get over this feeling of anxiety that all the new case numbers are gonna push sigourney back again. but i had 4 people ask me in one day if we were selling halloween costumes and all i could think was we are in a pandemic. STAY THE FUCK HOME.

. writing today and I remember my magic lives in my gut instinct and how if I ignore it then I suffer. every time to varying degrees. why do I do that?

. ordered chinese even though we said don’t cause I am eating my feelings

. obsessed with the Queens Gambit on Netflix. everything about it. its fucking briliant.

. Beth - “what are you drinking?” her adoptive mom - “It’s a Gibson. I find the onion slightly more refined than the olive.”

. my practical magic lives in what I know about the power of adornment, vignetting, creating foundations of self care, listening to what isn’t being said, observational humour, and senior animals.

. ugh, the clocks go back tomorrow. hello darkness my old friend.

91 - 10.30

. "The women who compose me are here." - I read that line from author Sarah Bloom in her New Orleans house tour interview and it has stayed with me ever since. She said her decorating style is one of lineage and everywhere she looks she sees her mom, grandmas and aunts. The woman who compose her.

. I watched a spoken word poem called an ode to thrifting and there was a line that went "So she gifted you, from her tired palms, her oldest blueprints for existing." and it made me cry and made me think about all that the womxn in my life have taught me about how they exist in this world so I could also try to just be in this world. Every time I think about it I get teary again.

. I read an article Staci shared a few weeks ago and there was a line about white women that said "white women are resting in complicity and calling it grace" and I can't stop thinking about it.

. In a movie I watched months ago the two main characters had to tell a lie. Both men in medium positions of power. And one said how do we do this? They will never believe it. And the other said "You just throw in a couple of details but don't worry if the listener believes the story or not. It's the apathy of authority." The truth of that though. The apathy of authority. It's how mediocre white men who are ceo's and cops and presidents get away with so much shit. It's cause they know they are in charge and they don't care.

. In Billy Joel's tour rider he specifically states that the venue cannot sell tickets to the first few rows in front of the stage. He keeps those empty so his crew can pull really excited fans from their less great seats and give them the prime seats. He said it's because "I don't want the front rows to anything I do be filled with privileged fucks." I have never forgotten that and how this world is set up so that the people that can afford it get the best of everything even when they don't love it. They just expect it. When I priced my last few tours I had so much push back that someone who paid less got the same access and level of everything and I just deleted those convos and people without even responding because those I are not people I want to commune with.

. I watched a video on how to cut a pomegranate and every time I hear myself or someone else say they are too much I think about that video. I love pomegranates but it always looks like a crime scene when I eat one. That video showed me that things that seem like they are too much aren't really too much at all. They are the perfect amount of muchness and you just have to know the right way to handle them.

. Roxane Gay tweeted this morning "I am considering a new nemesis" and I really love how she has normalized having a nemesis because I have them and it's ok.

. I did everything I was supposed to do. I had a good job, a savings account, bought a condo and adopted a cat. I had a clear driving record and a stellar credit rating. I put up a Christmas tree every year and I donated to charities and flew home to see my family instead of flying to Paris. I put flowers on the deck every spring and went to yoga 4. I fostered kittens and didn't walk out and leave my drunk friends alone at the bar. I got really good at fucking and fighting and did both often and I have always loved bigger than most could handle. I invited friends to stay and when they left after a few days of long talks and a little peace and quiet to go home and drastically change their lives I helped them move and took calls at 2am and was there to pick up the pieces as they have done for me. (parts redacted - I need a patreon for this part) and here I am, 53, I just opened my first savings account in a long time and my fern looks like it is coming back. I listed a bunch of stuff on marketplace and this week’s prompt in FBT is fucking fire and chapel is on Sunday and my hair is fucking glorious and I am gonna choose me every single day for the rest of my life.

. It is known. 

Musings from prompt “the words that roll around and around” from Isabel’s writing sanctuary.

90 - 10.29

. Thanks to Sigourney a full day on my feet at the store, lifting and steaming, means 2 full days of recovery where everything hurts. I am over it.

. We made a pact to not buy or order in for November. Because we want other things and it's def been a coping mechanism, and also a luxury after years of barely being able to pay just our bills, to afford some things. We want to see what changes if we don't and in Dec, if Covid allows, we will celebrate with new tattoos and in early January with new couches for our sore backs. This is going to be so difficult.

. December 8 and it better not be months after that.

. We watched a doc on a tomb in Egypt. It was a cat burial ground that was dated to 300-600 BC. They mummy wrapped the cats and they found a lion cub. Under that were tombs that were 4,400 years old. Mind blowing. Lola allowed us to worship her from top branch as cats have been worshiped for centuries. 

. My fern is dying again.

. I want to create as my capacity allows. Brilliant prompts for FBT. Other fun stuff even though I don't know what that looks like yet. Maybe take up embroidery that isn't positive. A home that heals me after he leaves. My wardrobe again after docs remove Sigourney. I miss wearing jeans.

. I am building wild altars right now and purging as I live into the last two prompts for foundations in FBT and also because I dream of a new apartment and half the year in Mexico and I only want what I want.

. I wonder how many women left unhappy relationships after they discovered the internet. I wonder how many will leave after being home with them all day for months.

. What happened to Kylie Minogue? I must google her in the morning.

88 - 10.27

. I am so over all the home decor that tells us how to feel. Why does everything have to be about being grateful or being positive? It's so toxic. What if I don't want to live love laugh. I want to burn and lust and covet. Where is the catchall dish that says "set him on fire" or the throw pillow that says "murder it" or the needlepoint that says "burn motherfucker burn"?

. Thinking about stuff in the literal sense. Why we have it and where we get it.

. Don't cut my bangs and don't order the chinese food.

. Make-up is amplified self care for me so I am subscribed to a bunch of sites and so much of the sales pitch is about being flawless. Flawless coverage, flawless glow, flawless matte finish, flawless lashes, flawless brows. It is low key annoying me.

. He thinks maybe he will stay through the winter and how he got from "find a place by Dec 1" to spring 2021 I will never know. I literally said that when we talked. It's time for us to live apart and you need to find a place by Dec 1. Clear direct communication. He said I agree and I will. It was a lovely conversation considering. And then last night he said it makes sense for me to stay here through the winter and he said it JUST as I was going to bed so now I have to have THAT conversation and this whole thing is gonna be a THING now. ugh

. She messaged and asked me to do her a favour and it was so impersonal I felt like I was a random LinkedIn contact and not her old BFF of 26 years that she is no longer speaking to so I was surprised to see her in my messages. I asked what is it? She said I will come cook you dinner and you write a review on it for my new service I am planning. She said her 3 month intro price was 50$ a meal plus groceries and I asked if that applied to me or is the review an exchange for that and she said the intro price applied and she had a questionnaire to fill out to decide on the meal. I said that it is not in my budget and with covid my "who I let in my house" bubble is very small and how are you contract tracing going in and out of people's houses and maybe I can help with copy etc cause she said she is in build mode. She responded by saying I offered you a lovely free meal because I know you hate cooking but obviously I didn't wrap it up like you wanted so rest assured I will not be contacting you again. How does her contacting me out of the blue asking for a favour, a favour she wants me to pay her for and write about, end with her being pissed at me for saying no? there is more and I wanted to talk talk in person or on the phone but it didn’t happen. flummoxed still. it’s so complicated and doesn’t have to be and my capacity is at zero.

. More thoughts on stuff. It can be let go of because there is good stuff literally everywhere that I can find again.

. I can't stop thinking about Lizzo's interview on Letterman and this line "love relationships don't have to be dramatic, to be traumatic." Whew!

. And Lizzo also said "we were here before technology so my iPhone telling me it's time to wake up...? No. I don't think so. First of all bitch I was ALREADY awake so you're wrong. I just shove it in a drawer. When did we decide technology was gonna tell us how to live?"

Musings from what is silent prompt in Isabel’s writing sanctuary.

87 - 10.26

. This coffee is sofa king good. I have been loving myself better by preparing it the night before so all I have to do before I feed Lola is push a button. And it's ready once she is fed and the bed is made and I have wiped the sleep from my eyes.

. The patio door is open because she likes to survey her cat queendom in the mornings and it's very cold. I have an old soft grandma shawl wrapped around my shoulders and I have my fuzzy sherpa lined slippers on and both feel awkward as I am usually in a slip dress and bare feet. The heat is cranked but already it won't be enough to get me through this winter because this place was a meat locker all weekend and the tip of my nose and the tips of my fingers are cold. I could bring her in and shut the door but she is a nordic shield maiden of a cat and the cold doesn't bother her and she really loves her mornings on the deck.

. I hate being cold more than I hate anything in this world so all weekend I continued my frantic scroll of marketplace and saw a fireplace with the flame in the middle by tonight it will be living with me.

. I can taste the anxiety rising up and I try to swallow it with every sip of this delicious coffee.

. I feel like my skin doesn't fit but it will soon.

. I see disarray. Clutter everywhere. I am selling furniture and buying furniture and it's all a work in progress to not store the clutter but to dispose of it as I evolve.

. I hear nothing but trucks in the alley and the soft hum of traffic a street away and her wee snoring.

. The hot water and the bubbles from the LUSH bathbomb and that weird ache I get when I pile this entire mop of hair on top of my head and I feel the water soothe.

. I hear the conversation over and over in my mind that I don't want to have but have to have and i practice so it comes from love and everything will be ok.

From senses prompt in Isabel’s writing sanctuary.

85 - 10.24

. memes are gifs are a language I speak fluently.

. my love languages are space, ease, simplicity, and consistency.

. pink sky and mama moon is my language of prayer and healing.

. the cryptonaturalist is a language of weird science, nature facts, and secret messages that has been part of my therapy for as long as I have been following it.

. poetry is the language of spirit for me.

. images are the language of covet.

. plants are the language of healing and change

. fire is the language of evolution.

. words are my language of letting go.

. music is the language of feeling seen.

. animals are a language of trust and love.

. friendship is a language of legacy and realness. there is something about I knew you then and now and tomorrow that is so comforting even when a friendship is new.

. it is all a language of reckoning, rebirth, and reclamation.

84 - 10.23

. Took another bag to the thrift and it was mostly empty which is odd for Halloween season (BTW who is having parties this year and why?) so I decided to take a quick look around and because my vintage/thrifting spidey senses are exquisitely tuned from years of practice I spied the corner of a 1970's cotton bedspread hiding behind a giant comforter and when I dug it out it was PERFECTION. The softest peach with white fringe and white circles on it - strange for me cause I never do patterns in my bedroom so we will see - but it pleases my current no sharp edges mindset and will be such a bright spot in the dark grey winter of living in a rainforest and the best part? It was only 5.99

. Then I found a cream crocheted nap blanket and I wondered whose hands made this and was it a gift for someone's granddaughter so I am pretending it was handmade for me from an ancestor. It's just the right amount of heavy. It has long fringe and it's not an itchy fabric because my sensitivities usually prevent my buying these things and I am always jealous of people who have one. Thank you universe grandma. it was 4.99

. I had paid and was about to leave when A Case of You came on and that first line of "just before our love got lost you said" gets me every time so I stayed at the window looking at the rush hour traffic singing softly to myself behind my Stevie Nicks Stand Back mask acutely aware that my hands are full of vintage things to curl up under because I have no one to curl up to.
"Oh you are in my blood like holy wineOh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet Oh I could drink a case of you I could drink a case of you darling And I would still be on my feet Oh Id still be on my feet"
sigh. that fucking song. 

. Because my mind is my mind and because I was in a rage at him I transposed a 3 and a 9 again when reading measurements and had a mcm dresser delivered last night that has already been re-listed because of course it's 6 inches too fucking deep for the space I want it to live and it occurred to me that I need to just fucking stop and gather myself for a fucking second and tell him even if he is tired or drunk because the window where he is neither is the size of a flea and this is how I end up with a too big dresser sitting in my hallway and he wasn't this tired drunk guy I fell in love with. that came after he left me but he brought it with him when we needed to save money and it's rocking the foundation i so carefully built.

. There is a young guy in one of my cat groups who is in a depression so almost daily he posts a photo of himself talking about how he is feeling that day and what he did and asks us all to lift him up then posts a photo of his tabby for cat tax and today he said "got a shirt from one of my fave bands whose new record is out 10/30. sat in a park and drank some iced coffee. i feel low again but I'm trying to pick myself up. thanks for all the love on my birthday post. photo of shrimp for tax" and it is the most stunningly simple and beautiful 2-6 lines of a life lived and when people call selfies thirst traps I always wonder why it's so hard to offer water? Don't we all just want to be seen? I comment every time on his posts as do many many others and i think we may be the only community he has and while it breaks my heart i love how up front he is in his asks and the admins are swift with the block and delete of anyone who mocks the regularity of his posts with a snide comment and I hope he never sees those ones and I hope he keeps coming in with his daily selfies and what I did todays and photos of Shrimp the tabby for tax because I don't want him to disappear.

. Miley Cyrus's style right now is everything and I never thought I would say that but here I am.

. it's the prompt I am writing for sunday. I live into every single one so vividly.

. again because my mind is my mind most things I imagine do not exist in real like EXACTLY as I would like them to be which has also translated into a lifetime of being told i am too picky - one of my all time most hated phrases and I wish I had a workshop because nothing so I could build and weld and weave and sew and upholster the perfect pieces and when the too picky people want something I made - because they will and always do - i could tell them sorry, you are not picky enough for these because petty is part of my personality.

. one of my morning supplements has been caught in the back of my throat since I took it this morning and I wonder how there is room for it there with all my unsung songs and massive feelings and also isn't it supposed to dissolve?

From Isabel’s 10 things course.

83 - 10.22

. Remember when your album had a scratch on it and the needle would get stuck and repeat the same thing over and over and over until you had to get up and manually move the needle. I feel like my needle is stuck on the same groove. The secret is that I need to play a different album that is smooth grooves from beginning to end.

. The moon was perfection tonight. Low in the sky and eye level with my third floor balcony. the tiniest sliver glowing gold with blurred edges. Mama moon knows all my secrets in all her forms. Tonight I watched her sister sun set again in the stunning reds and pinks of this season but mama called me out into the cold before bed to remind me I got this. Difficult conversations are difficult but go with the love that is there and not the resentment. The secret is I will be ok and so will he, because of love.

. I follow a professor of anthropology on IG (@amandastranza) and, among other things, she does death tributes to wildlife. Road kill etc. She gathers them and lays them with flowers and speaks words of prayer and honour over them and it is the most real and poetic thing. To honour a being that the world trampled over. Literally and metaphorically. I shared her latest and said that her animal memories - because that is what they are at the core, memories - are so touching to me and she messaged me and said thank you. I almost died I had such a fan girl moment so I responded and said "oh fan girling hard! I love your words so much. Thank you" and she wrote back and we had a wee chat and the secret is that connection is built from not caring how cool I am but from being awkward and real in my admiration for someone who has words that fill the cracks in my heart.

. As I scroll and scroll for my soon to be sectional, bench, rattan bookshelf and possible new desk now that I am home more than at the store I was thinking more and more about the detailed descriptions people put describing their furniture for sale and its because they are not trying to sell it as perfect when it's not. As someone who anthropomorphizes everything I love the people that are doing that with furniture. I love a good back story too. "I bought this second hand and I loved it for years and now I am moving across country and I am devastated I can't take it with me because it was the most perfect piece for under my tv but there is a little nick on the corner and one of the legs is wobbly and I don't know how to fix the water mark on the top but the price reflects all this and you won't regret having this cabinet in your life. It was one of the best things I ever owned and I love it and you will love it too." I am obsessed with these stories and want to do a series on them. The inanimate objects that make up a life and a home. That are such an important part of our foundation. That we assign personality to in the piece itself and in the damages. Like cat scratches and water marks and weird nicks. I always suspect that the ones who sell like this vs the ones who say "Cabinet, must pick up. Moving." are ones where home has always been a tenuous and maybe not so safe place and that piece of furniture - thrifted, given, found - was a piece of the puzzle that made up a home. That there is memory attached to it and they want that honoured and have unconsciously given it life and personality in their sales copy but don't want to mislead anyone with lies about perfection. The secret is that it our so called flaws that make us unique and desirable and connect us to each other. In my world anyway.

. I saw a pin that said "be your own muse" and I am wondering what that looks like. As someone that channels muses so much that they have categories - like O.G. Wild Muses like Stevie Nicks and my mother to style muses to writer muses to to to - what would being my own muse look like? That secret is yet to be revealed.

. I saw another pin that said "the secret to your future is hidden in your daily routine." I have always turned routine into ritual because I find it way more enchanting and seeing that made me realize that I am not devoted to my daily rituals right now and in that I am disappearing. So slowly it's almost not noticeable so more secrets to unravel in there.

. Carly and I were talking the other night and she said "people are so boring as adults." I said "what do you mean?" She said "no one asks me what my favourite dinosaur is anymore, they ask me what I do for a living." and she was so sincere in that statement I almost cried. It got me wondering why are the questions we ask each other so different as adults? Do we ONLY become our work or our status or our family? Is it all titles? Mother, Boss, Wife etc. I know what her fave dinosaur is and she knows how long I have been in love with Han Solo but I wonder why the conversation changes so dramatically as we age. More secret messages to ponder and unravel in this one as well.

. Last night's Game of Thrones was the Red Wedding episode and I remember that being one of the most impactful scenes in the entire series. That one, the Battle of the Bastards, and fighting the white walkers on the island when the dragon gets killed. I almost needed oxygen for all of them. Seeing it again for the second time it still had such a huge impact even though I knew what happened and knew that scene was coming and that is the secret really. That even though I know things are coming they can still have a huge impact and I can stop breathing for a moment in anticipation of outcome.

. "Every storm runs out of rain" ~ Maya Angelou. I had this on a sticky note on my computer but it must have fallen at some point because I swept under the couch and it came out along with enough cat hair to clone Lola. Storms - can cause minimal damage, can soak me to my core, can hide the sun and the light, can make soothing noises on my roof, can put out fires, can make things grow, and can destroy everything in it's path. But eventually it will run out of rain. The secret is I am a storm.

Today’s wild musings are from Isabel’s Listen to your life writing sanctuary.

82- 10.21

. Obsessed with finding an electric fireplace but I want the fire in the middle not at floor level with dead space above it and that is the most virgo thing ever but I am scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.

. I am obsessed with vintage letter openers because they are so romantic and old school because using them means there was news and you hoped it was good and someone was thinking of you enough that they decided to write and they are also a weapon and I love ordinary things that are not obvious weapons and I am bidding on a snake one online.

. Obsessed with my plants because as I keep them alive they kept me alive and I didn’t want real kids and plant parenthood is working just fine and they add so much life but don’t overshadow my love language of space.

. Obsessed with the attic suite across the lane. Still. Any attic suite actually because that is where the eccentric witch adjacent aunts lived and where novels are written and something about the intimacy of them really speaks to me.

. Obsessed with the sunsets these past few days. It’s been kinda cloudy but not raining so the sky burns pink and orange through the white fluffy clouds and it is prayer because pink sky is my religion and that was the sunset outside my moms window when she died October 19 5 years ago and I think maybe she is keeping the rain away so I can enjoy them myself as I plot how my life alone will look after I tell him.

. Obsessed with senior cats waiting for homes at the shelters I follow online and I refresh and refresh and make actual notes in my daytimer to check back on them for a status update and I cry when they are adopted finally and I cry when they haven’t been and I can’t stop myself because I have to know.

. Obsessed with finding the perfect bowls for my after he leaves redecoration because I am obsessed with independent bowls and feel like I can’t handle sharp edges on anything right now. Wood and ceramic for fruit on the counter and one for onions and garlic and ones for my bathroom shelf to hold all my makeup and one for my matchbook collection and one for rocks and crystals.

. Obsessed with Rachel Syme on twitter cause she is running a quarantine penpalooza which I might join and asks the most interesting random questions like what is the most lesser known print magazine you get delivered cause I want new glossy paper in my mailbox and she is just so real and Mandy Patinkin is her dad and I want to be her friend.

. Obsessed with eyeshadow pallets and 70’s platforms and finding the perfect sectional and AD and Apartment Therapy small home and celebrity home tours and seeing if I can make enough to save something while still not being a capitalist spiritual white woman and looking at rentals in Mexico and purging everything down to the very best most rare covets and living small and simply with ease and game of thrones again and the cinematography and set design and wardrobe of Ratched and vintage rosaries because I want to know whose hands felt into those beads and Tony Baker animal voice overs and unlikely animal friendship and always and forever Stevie Nicks.

. list from Listen to your Life Obsessions prompt from Isabel Abbott.

81 - 10.20

. I really love when people sell furniture and explain away the cat scratches by describing the cat. Like “my small evil tabby has a scratch pad, post and wallscratcher but chose to sharpen her murder mittens on this sofa instead because cats...her displeasure is reflected in the price”. These are my people because you know they wouldn’t trade that beast of burden for all the perfect furniture in the world

. Someone locally called their IG store stevieknickknack and I am green with envy I didn’t consider it first.

. Started over in game of thrones because it’s been a minute and winter is coming and I remember my deep desire for Dothraki savages. Please send a tall strong sexy ugly Dothraki over here to rough me up for a few hours and then he can leave in enough time for me to get an episode of golden girls in before I go to sleep.

. The pink sky last night was beyond stunning through the puffy white clouds and I lit a candle for my mom at 7:05 and had a good cry. 5 years.

. I haven't washed my hair in over a week because it hurts to brush the tangles out and it is also intensely satisfying to brush the tangles out. hmph.

. She messaged to ask for a favour and once again it ended up with me being in shit and her passive aggressively trying to put me down while she gaslighted me. I kept reading the messages cause I thought am I a fucking crazy? you DID in fact say that. I am not responding because I ended asking for a conversation cause I didn't understand what happened the ast 3 times this went down. She didn't want that so I am leaving it. i keep asking what am I missing here and why are you mad at me and if you refuse to straight up honestly tell me what ti is I can't fucking fix it. I knew I shouldn't have responded but I genuinely miss her and want her to be happy. 

. they all need to do the fucking work. I am doing mine so I don't vomit constantly over people's lives. I can't keep relationships that are bad for my mental health because i know the back story and belief system they have that drives them to behave that way. To do that i am intentionally causing MYSELF harm and I can't do that anymore and while it makes me feel like a bad friend and horrible person why am I the one to hold all the fuckery because I love them? go to fucking therapy and find your peace cause we will all benefit. I will one hundred percent hold them through it as I have been held through it, but to not even attempt it takes it off my plate and I am free. 

. I don't have all the numbers yet but know my mind is made up and this in between is killing me. ugh

. A couple bought the little convenience store a few blocks away and it's now an plant and flower store and they are so lovely and I do every week to buy their 6-10 mini bouquet for my desk flowers and I can see them beside my computer in one of my mom's blue glass vases and this wew act of self loyalty means so much to me. the wee desk flowers went on the non-negotiable side of the budget list. 

today’s musings are from Isabel’s writing sanctuary

80 - 10.19

. The last 4 months on CERB is the most financially stable I have been in 5 years and I sit here crunching numbers because he needs to go for my sanity but there is housing trauma so how much is my peace of mind worth? Listing the non negotiable bills and realizing that my mind is trying to convince me the “negotiable” ones, the ones related to my sanity, Lola’s needs, comfort, pleasure, self loyalty, entertainment, magic, and health i can do without when really I can’t so they are non negotiable because this fucked up society creeps in to try to whisper you are 53 shame on you for not having money or a plan or a future and I wonder when I will stop talking myself off that ledge with reminders that my love and care and emotional labour for brother and bf’s and parents didn’t pay a dime but they did take their financial, emotional, physical and mental toll on ME so fuck you voices that want me to bleed more and believe this is all MY fault. I’ll eat fucking ramen for peace of mind.

. I am in a writing course that would be considered a luxury when every time it feeds me more than food.

. Shopping for an electric fireplace on fb marketplace because I know this winter will require fire in some way and I am so worthy.

. My feet are cold but I hate socks so they are gonna stay cold.

. Listing things on marketplace cause the urge to purge is strong and I want money more than things.

. I lit candles and all my twinkle lights this morning while coffee was brewing because when I opened the patio door for Lola to survey her queen don I caught myself doing the mental math of spring. It’s mid October so get thru November then December is good cause parties but no parties this year then January which sucks balls every ducking year then feb which is a short month but by the end I’ll see cherry blossoms and March things bloom and maybe it won’t fucking rain til August like it did this year and holy fuck I need to get out of this rainforest. I have been doing that Mental math for 25 years and I hate that being in an expensive city traps you in an expensive city so selling things for freedom is ok.

. My new platform custom leopard vans are so comfortable and I vow only new sneakers broken in by me from now on. I slow fashion everything but my bones are old and my back aches and this bday gift from the witches of east van has shown me more than I needed to know about how I accept pain when maybe in this one way I don’t have to.

. I think the Full Bush Tour is some of the best work I have ever done and we are only a month in and I am so in my fucking zone of genius that I keep hugging myself in congratulations.

. A life of creative genius and friends and learning and cats and books and fake fire and plant babies and a snuggle in sectional and brilliant tv and movies and the perfect bed and rocks and obsession is ok for me and I am writing this in a sticky note for the times I feel like I fucked it all up.

collage by @handleofiron

today’s musings are from Isabel’s writing sanctuary.

78- 10.17

. will there be days i have Saturday night plans again?

. so much rain. ugh

. another bag out of the door.

. i buy cause I miss and that needs to stop

. kept all my hot weather stuff. if you build it then it will come

. My swamp witch.

. My Yaya.

. My S.O.

. The witches of East Van

77 - 10.16

. 7 days to land. aaack.

. decided for sure on the dresser. Just need to clean it out. I am sure most of it can go. only 2 drawers are mine.

. yeh that ended well. passive aggressive and wtf. I KNEW I should have said we talk in person or on phone cause this messenger is bullshit.

. I miss them deeply and not at all. how weird life is.

. stopping myself from chucking it all over the balcony.

. patience is not a virtue

. loving the allowing and slowness of the FBT flow

. more memories. I barely remember that time but I do know it fried everything in my body.

. still no word on sigourney. sent another email.

76 - 10.15

. still so impersonal. why would I want this?

. today is when i find out if i can

. ease, simplicity, space

. took another full back to thrift. not worth listing and selling

. the dresser?

. these are so weird this week cause I am missing mom. Maybe the detail will come back?

. respect for people who live with people who drink too much

. my neighbours cat is missing. a chonk who used to look up from the yard and talk to Lola. I am so sad for her and I hope he comes home.

. less than 3 months. taxes. dentist. sigourney and so it is

75- 10.14

. received the most un-emotional message asking for a favour in exchange for.

. out of the clear fucking blue. Surprised the crap out of me.

. I think a convo is needed and I will ask for one.

. none of this makes sense. I am so confused. what about covid?

. and why are you messaging me like I am some random linkedIn contact and not a friend of a quarter century?

. so many mom memories - I have to stay away from fb. I don’t have the capacity.

. i need some more therapy on that.

. I miss Patrick Swayze and Bill Paxton

. Masterclass is everything right now. Watching all the comedy ones first in prep for this weeks FBT prompt.

74 - 10.13

. work feels weird. I am in a state of covid anxiety from the minute I leave my house til I am home and lock the door behind me.

. I hate that when people come in the store and I say you have to wear a mask that they look around and say no one is in here. Ummm * I * am in here and I am not no one.

. I hate that our numbers are climbing and i hate the anti masker rallies. These people are idiots.

. I hate the he doesn’t wear a mask and insists that he will ONLY if it’s mandatory in places he goes in to.

. so what about me and my health.

. how many boxes must I check before I have the convo.

. the need to purge is still strong so I am. again. I have no idea where this stuff has been living.

. i think this place has a John Malkovich floor.

. i have been 53 for a month.

. i need a new series to dig into. winter is coming. Maybe it should be a re`watch of GoT. hmmmm