. The last 4 months on CERB is the most financially stable I have been in 5 years and I sit here crunching numbers because he needs to go for my sanity but there is housing trauma so how much is my peace of mind worth? Listing the non negotiable bills and realizing that my mind is trying to convince me the “negotiable” ones, the ones related to my sanity, Lola’s needs, comfort, pleasure, self loyalty, entertainment, magic, and health i can do without when really I can’t so they are non negotiable because this fucked up society creeps in to try to whisper you are 53 shame on you for not having money or a plan or a future and I wonder when I will stop talking myself off that ledge with reminders that my love and care and emotional labour for brother and bf’s and parents didn’t pay a dime but they did take their financial, emotional, physical and mental toll on ME so fuck you voices that want me to bleed more and believe this is all MY fault. I’ll eat fucking ramen for peace of mind.
. I am in a writing course that would be considered a luxury when every time it feeds me more than food.
. Shopping for an electric fireplace on fb marketplace because I know this winter will require fire in some way and I am so worthy.
. My feet are cold but I hate socks so they are gonna stay cold.
. Listing things on marketplace cause the urge to purge is strong and I want money more than things.
. I lit candles and all my twinkle lights this morning while coffee was brewing because when I opened the patio door for Lola to survey her queen don I caught myself doing the mental math of spring. It’s mid October so get thru November then December is good cause parties but no parties this year then January which sucks balls every ducking year then feb which is a short month but by the end I’ll see cherry blossoms and March things bloom and maybe it won’t fucking rain til August like it did this year and holy fuck I need to get out of this rainforest. I have been doing that Mental math for 25 years and I hate that being in an expensive city traps you in an expensive city so selling things for freedom is ok.
. My new platform custom leopard vans are so comfortable and I vow only new sneakers broken in by me from now on. I slow fashion everything but my bones are old and my back aches and this bday gift from the witches of east van has shown me more than I needed to know about how I accept pain when maybe in this one way I don’t have to.
. I think the Full Bush Tour is some of the best work I have ever done and we are only a month in and I am so in my fucking zone of genius that I keep hugging myself in congratulations.
. A life of creative genius and friends and learning and cats and books and fake fire and plant babies and a snuggle in sectional and brilliant tv and movies and the perfect bed and rocks and obsession is ok for me and I am writing this in a sticky note for the times I feel like I fucked it all up.
collage by @handleofiron
today’s musings are from Isabel’s writing sanctuary.