77 - 10.16

. 7 days to land. aaack.

. decided for sure on the dresser. Just need to clean it out. I am sure most of it can go. only 2 drawers are mine.

. yeh that ended well. passive aggressive and wtf. I KNEW I should have said we talk in person or on phone cause this messenger is bullshit.

. I miss them deeply and not at all. how weird life is.

. stopping myself from chucking it all over the balcony.

. patience is not a virtue

. loving the allowing and slowness of the FBT flow

. more memories. I barely remember that time but I do know it fried everything in my body.

. still no word on sigourney. sent another email.

76 - 10.15

. still so impersonal. why would I want this?

. today is when i find out if i can

. ease, simplicity, space

. took another full back to thrift. not worth listing and selling

. the dresser?

. these are so weird this week cause I am missing mom. Maybe the detail will come back?

. respect for people who live with people who drink too much

. my neighbours cat is missing. a chonk who used to look up from the yard and talk to Lola. I am so sad for her and I hope he comes home.

. less than 3 months. taxes. dentist. sigourney and so it is

75- 10.14

. received the most un-emotional message asking for a favour in exchange for.

. out of the clear fucking blue. Surprised the crap out of me.

. I think a convo is needed and I will ask for one.

. none of this makes sense. I am so confused. what about covid?

. and why are you messaging me like I am some random linkedIn contact and not a friend of a quarter century?

. so many mom memories - I have to stay away from fb. I don’t have the capacity.

. i need some more therapy on that.

. I miss Patrick Swayze and Bill Paxton

. Masterclass is everything right now. Watching all the comedy ones first in prep for this weeks FBT prompt.

74 - 10.13

. work feels weird. I am in a state of covid anxiety from the minute I leave my house til I am home and lock the door behind me.

. I hate that when people come in the store and I say you have to wear a mask that they look around and say no one is in here. Ummm * I * am in here and I am not no one.

. I hate that our numbers are climbing and i hate the anti masker rallies. These people are idiots.

. I hate the he doesn’t wear a mask and insists that he will ONLY if it’s mandatory in places he goes in to.

. so what about me and my health.

. how many boxes must I check before I have the convo.

. the need to purge is still strong so I am. again. I have no idea where this stuff has been living.

. i think this place has a John Malkovich floor.

. i have been 53 for a month.

. i need a new series to dig into. winter is coming. Maybe it should be a re`watch of GoT. hmmmm

73 - 10.12

. Carly had That Guy and I over for dinner last night. Our bubbles are so small. It was so good! Came home and watched the original Ghostbusters and fell into a turkey meatball tryptophan coma.

. loveloveloveloved Chapel with the Bush Kittens yesterday morning. So glad i decided to arrange my schedule for a weekly call. This work needs it. Still feeling out of my element being live but that’s ok. pushes from comfort zones are good.

. have to figure out this closed captioning and transcription and dropbox or some file sharing site

. my loves had a birthday party for Peaches yesterday and the photos were everything. Sequins, paw print balloons, vintage leopard print, stripes and smiles. It made me so happy.

. all the water is helping

. saw an old couple shuffling along both wearing masks and it was so cute and I want that. to be old and in love.

. at the store tomorrow

. bought an 8 dollar kimono on fb marketplace - hoping its cool, she had sizes so it should fit - and its way out in the burbs so I asked about shipping and she went to the post office to find out how much and then I e-transferred her money. there are some people you just get a sense from that its ok to send money sight unseen. Debbie was that person. she is mailing tuesday.

.general answers to highly specific questions

72 - 10.11 Sunday Covet & Obsessions

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This 70’s inspired metallic Gucci platform because 70’s and metallic EVERYTHING.

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This snake “bookend” ring because it symbolizes unity.

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These classic white Nike’s because i outgrew mine by half a size and they hurt.

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This vintage 1920’s shawl because I watched The Lost Boys and Star had one in white and I remembered I coveted it, but I prefer black.

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This Dior Iconic Overcurl mascara because I got a sample and it’s amazing.

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This spiderweb pillow because i saw a vintage spiderweb pillow once and I regret not buying it. also, the spider is friendly. (thanks Skaja)

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This Diptyque Paris Bais candle because it smells divine.

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This mystical bodysuit by Lorette Lingerie because it is MAGIC.

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These tie-dye leggings from the Gap because winter is coming.

71 - 10.10

. spent the morning with coffee and The Dodo videos.

. 3 hour lavender bubble bath with a historical bodice ripping romance and a glass of wine. things on the list that heals. welcome to saturday night at 53 in a pandemic

. hoping i don’t regret the wine. me, drinking and meno do not go together

. missing brunch club

. took the 2 bags of purge to the thrift and almost have another full one. plus a box full of marketplace stuff to sell cause why not. if i make changes i need money and maybe doing that again this winter will be ok. i can be careful in the stores

. missing having a car

. that fall organize everything and get my ducks in a row and deal with shit you put off all summer is in full effect. taxes, dentist, learning some new programs (evernote or something…)

. wondering if a budgeting software program would help. i do it all pen and paper old school styles with a calendar

. “cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine…maybe not tonight” ~ Florence & the Machine

70 - 10.9

. why do i forget when everything hurts and my lymph nodes are aching that i haven’t been drinking my water? it’s such basic fucking self care and never fails to change almost EVERYTHING for me.

. even though i know for sure i need to know for sure

. back to old school pro/con list

. pro: house to myself all the time, house clean all the time, more space because only my limited stuff, maybe start dating again after sigourney is gone, more vintage slips and tap pants and the embodiment practices of secret single behaviour, no resentment over being the only one to manage/clean this house

. more pros: music on that can’t be cause he sleeps all day weekends, will the distance tell us for sure, feminine it up in here, less stress means i eat better, don’t anxiety shop, sleep better

. cons: lola adores him, I adore him but more so without the resentment, he is funny, we are in a pandemic and he is part of my bubble, he pays half the rent, i will have to pay all of it plus all hydro and all of her stuff which he occasionally helps out on, who will remove spiders

. more cons: he is in a good place and this will fuck him up, i fucked up Perry by moving and look how that turned out, loneliness but I already feel lonely

. fuck

. i am on strike cause i hate being responsible for every fucking thing but that just means it takes longer to do it

. i spent so much time poor that it scares me to be that poor again in this fucking expensive city

.

69 - 10.8

. had a massage this morning and when she asks what hurts I said everything. But mostly my nervous system. So she worked on that. Came home and cried. it is always a release.

. I am still so mad about the level of hyper vigilance I need for doctors. why don’t they give a shit?

. I think I need to write the dating after 45 guide.

. sex, love and rock ‘n roll.

. so grateful my supplements arrived. My ankles and knees are beginning to move again withou excrutiating pain.

. i need groceries.

. I need to check the calendar for something to look forward to. My mom always said there is always something cause this doctor shit has me in a rut of despair I am having trouble shaking.

. roast beast?

. by myself is my dream

68 - 10.7

. exhausting day of advocating for my health again and still.

. I was being gaslighted by my medical office and when a nurse said “I can’t speak to that because I wasn’t part of the conversation” I said “ I CAN speak to that because I WAS in the conversation so stop gaslighting me.” Then she had the doc call me directly and he said we have never discussed that and then a minute later he references it from another convo so I stopped him and said “do you hear yourself? You are telling me we never discussed this when we have MULTIPLE times, one of which YOU JUST FUCKING MENTIONED. So how can you speak to me and claim that i am making this up when you just said it.

. I have an exceptional memory on these thiings so don’t fucking play me.

. I have also lived in this body for 53 years and I know what I know so don’t fucking play me.

. It is fucking exhausted and I cried all afternoon from the rage.

. sometimes I hate that I cry when I am angry because it diminishes my message.

. I was really missing having someone special to call to tell me it was ok. No mom and no love.

. he needs to move so I can prepare for that.

. got both ultrasounds done last night anyway so we'll see.

. this ate up my entire fucking day and the only other thing I noticed was corw o’clock from the waiting room of the ultrasound place and i forgot about crow o’clock at sunset every night in the fall and it was a secret message from the universe. I didn’t even try to capture it in a photo because some things are not meant to be.

67 - 10.6

. I miss Philip Seymour Hoffman

. my earrings came and they are fabulous.

. weird dreams

. The Flea

. I wonder how many pandemic musings reference my plants

. i am boring

. that chick will die before she contacts me

. hurricane in Tulum and again the forest went quiet

. pierced hearts and true love.

66 - 10.5

. work is way different

. the covid anxiety of being down here and taking transit is a lot.

. i bought 2 new silk scarves

. it’s cold in the mornings. I turned the heat on today.

. need to dig out my sun lamp

. watching old movies from the 80’s and 90’s.

. gorgeous sunsets this week

. need sigourney fixed so I can work out again. Put my mat down

. making some changes to my meditation space

65 - 10.4 Sunday Covet & Obsessions

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This loversanddrifters super thin soft virgo t-shirt because VIRGO.

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This Sammi Jefcoate third season scarf because snakes, flowers, tigers forever.

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This roses and fringe kimono robe because roses + fringe. (never use gypsy in a description please)

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This vintage brass letter opener because snakes, mail and both could kill you. Also, obsessed with letter openers.

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This 90’s tarot deck because icons of my 20’s.

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This Ritualcravt altar broom because dusty altar = virgo rage.

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This September 13th candle because jasmine, lavender, palo santo + its my birthdate.

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This GORGEOUS Coco De Mer black stretch lace bra because tiny boobs now = tiny bras.

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This Fenty Beauty lip scrub/balm set because masks = dry chapped lips

64 - 10.3

. this city.

. i am in deep longing.

. still purging. Have two entire boxes of stuff to sell.

. mood

. wandering

. still mad

. water

. sleep

. tears

63 - 10.2

. feeling…something today…so I cleaned. shook out fur rungs and swept under couch and cleaned windows. still feeling it so I got my hands in the dirt and spent some time with my babies in the sun. moved them around in the apartment. the something I am feeling…there are waves/spirits in this apartment I have to manage constantly for my well being.

. skin care is self care so i did a mask

. the smokiest pink sky today and it is a prayer.

. how do you organize eye shadow pallets?

. gonna refresh my little meditation space with a wee fur rug and a pillow to set it up for my well being. I work well in designated spaces and I have half assed this one. then I wonder why it’s not going well.

. talked to him about moving out

.

62- 10.1

. i have 20 plant babies and I wonder if its in everyones dna to grow things? I know my Viking ancestors must have but did my Belgian? Or did they have people who did it for them?

. Randall processing the death of both his fathers in therapy had me riveted. I rewatched that episode twice and there is a secret message that I have to work on myself there. I never had the chance to grieve.

. Travel In Canoes Moon. Blood Moon. Hunter's Moon. Harvest Moon. Blackberry Moon. Kindly Moon. Joins Both Sides Moon. Big Chestnut Moon. Leaf Falling Moon. White Frost On The Grass Moon. Courting Time Moon. Big Wind Moon. Raven Moon. Traveller's Moon. Rutting Moon. Wilted Moon. Young Animals Moon. Falling Moon. Time Of Poverty Moon. Moon Of The Changing Seasons. Moon Of The Falling Leaves. Moon When The Quilling And Beading Is Done. Moon When The Birds Fly South. Moon When The Corn Is Taken In. Moon When The Bears Hibernate. Moon Of Long Hair. Moon When The Wind Shakes Off The Leaves. Moon When They Store Food In Caches. Moon Of The First Frost. Moon When Freeze Begins On The Stream's Edge. - I love the monthly full moon posts from Erin Gergen Hall

. met some Bush Kittens today.

. how the fuck is it October?

61 - 9.30

. ease, simplicity, space are three of my love languages and its getting harder to find that in a city with these rents.

. I remember when everyone told me that This Is Us was guaranteed to make them cry and it was cathartic to watch because crying so so good for you and it never made me cry in season 1-2 cause I always joked that I was dead inside but this season 4 on netflix has me bawling every second episode so there is that.

. the fall purge is going well. more and more of less and less.

. stuff used to me my shield. Now it is plants.

.

60 - 9.29

stuffed up all day, in the time of covid. doctor tomorrow just in case but i think (hope) its just inflammation cause my body is a state today

. this is us season 4. i love that show

. i don’t love the emphasis on weight with kate and toby.

. that fucking debate. like the two old guys in the balcony on the muppets

. hard to move today so I slept and slept

. cbd

. finally washed my hair. that’s a sign

. space, ease, simplicity - how do I lose that and I know part of it is him and his fucking clutter.

. how much is my peace of mind worth?

59 - 9.28

. My meno hormones have run amok

. There is a dude trying to abduct women in van in multiple neighbourhood and the vpd tweeted that they don’t see it as a threat. Rage.

. More sun today. I need to live somewhere warm and sunny all year round.

. Purging

58 - 9.27

. Immediate panic on the ig Fuckery this morning. I wish I was calmer. I had plan b to a mapped out before I even figured out the problem. This is both a curse and a superpower.

. Got some new plant babies and sat in the sun for a bit and replanted them and the sun felt so good after last week of monsoon rain. I live in a rainforest and I am never ever ready for the weather change.

. I need to go back to my anti inflammatory eating which is meno related but I hate that I have to “regulate” my food. The inflammation will kill me if I don’t so I will but I don’t like it. Hmph

. Sublime