. I am not a pessimistic personality but the selfishness of people has made me more cynical than usual. The not wearing a mask, judgement at people who got cerb, the take this time to do more more more attitude in the middle of this fuckery etc has pissed me off. I feel like my edges are razor sharp and soft as feathers at the same time.
. routine into ritual. cycle of seasons and moons. our years and not calendar years. fbt
. been redecorating my old condo in my mind cause i feel it deserves that and that it is an integral part of my healing. i would put a mini barre in the bedroom for stretching and a big mirror. there was room for that even though it was under 500 sq ft.
. writing fbt and thinking about cheating in so many ways and what that does to us. on ourselves and our wants and by other people and remembered one of them who worked back east and i literally knew the moment he began cheating and called him in the middle of the night. he denied and denied anytime i said we are long distance right now you are free to move on i just feel like i am going crazy and he would ledge talk me and i would deny my gut. specifically remembering having lunch with someone that knew us both and they said you are not yourself and i confessed i was making myself crazy with this cheating thing and asked is he trustworthy cause they had known him for 20 years and they said he is and its ok and he loves you and i found out later that before we had that convo this person had actually met them in montreal or someplace and had dinner with them and still sat there and told me i was being crazy cause he loved me. didn’t know the term gaslighting then but holy fuck.
. told that guy that story and he got this specific look on his face that guys get when they hear women say anything negative about men. part terrified and part pissed off. why do self professed good guys always get that look? why are they so uncomfortable?
. @grumpybarbara’s social hisstancing masks are a hit everywhere I go.
. fucking thyroid. now I am off gluten AND dairy AND tomatoes. Misty had a grilled cheese with tomato on perfect wheat bread on her stories the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it. i am so jealous.
. I might have an Edward Norton film festival tonight. I love him.
. "I believe. That's how I get through everything." ~ Sonali Sharma