. remembering my power through the eyes of wild enchantment
. he came home drunk and was loudly snoring on the couch 3 minutes later. I fucking hate it so much.
. I broke down and googled my old condo that I paid 82 for and the last listing had it for sale for 440. it made me feel sick. i would be mortgage free this year. they had renovated it. Wrongly. It’s like they never knew it or got to know it and that bothered me almost as much as the price. what buying that meant to me and how that place was magic. from the moment I walked in. I knew it was the one. the floor colour is wrong. the kitchen it too sterile. the bathroom is too sterile. that place was full of life. until it wasn’t. I hate that i sold it cause i didn’t know how to handle the fact that he died and mom was sick and my company was moving. that i didn’t feel i deserved what i had. that maybe i was someway responsible still. its one of the biggest things i need to make peace with myself for an that is still in process. it has helped to see it again cause in my mind it was my home and now with those renovations I recognize it but the feeling is different.
. heat wave coming this week. perfect. i am here for it cause i can feel fall on its way and this might be the last blast for a while.
. start on a new moon and end on a full moon. fbt
. no apologies. no shame. fbt
. Ramona on RHONY reminds me of my old BFF. the accusation then the avoidance and refusal for accountability and the passive aggressiveness and expects everyone to come to her and won’t go to them and I didn’t recognize it when i was in it. the labour. the never knowing. the dislike she had for me. but i sure do now. it’s making that show hard to watch and i love that show.
. buying myself photoshop for my birthday. new creative process.
. my memories reminded me I posted this line a few years ago and it remains one of my fave lines of all time. "The awful thoughts that would make Jesus drink gin straight out of the cat dish." ~ Small Victories, by Anne Lamott - the imagery of this delights me.