. still thinking about her bday text. Why message Happy Birthday and when I respond with thank you <3, how are you? do you come back with “honestly wasn’t expecting a reply and not really looking for conversation. just wanted you to know you were thought of. hope you enjoy your special day.” - It is completely devoid of expression. she doesn’t want to talk and she doesn’t think I will reply? Why then? Is this a box check? Every single interaction is fucking exhausting. I am so tired of passive aggressive. Be direct and clear in the first place and it won’t get to this. I don’t miss it. I miss her but not the constant hating of me. She says she loves me but acts like she hates me. still. so I took our friendship off social media and left it to her to pursue when she said go on without me. I said ok.
. when people tell you things believe them the first time. I remember her saying I don’t care about anything and I don’t hold onto anything and somehow I thought I was exempt from that until she dropped me like third period french. Of that’s right. You don’t care about or hold on to anything. You told me that. I don’t know why I didn’t believe you after a decade of friendship.
. all the losses are swirling. I need a good cry but I am still dead inside.
. maybe it is time for a new tattoo
. maybe I should just read in the tub for 4 hours.
. i can feel the rain. fuck me its too much too soon
. I have to go visit Laura.
. maybe I need to start over in some places that I have been putting off thinking about
. i want a spa day. but thats not safe.